LeaderShape Reflection

**I went to LeaderShape, a camp retreat designed to cause us to be better leaders,  during spring break, and was asked to write a paper about my experience. This is what I came up with.**

The first time I wrote this paper, it sounded like this: “Going to LeaderShape has been a one-of-a-kind experience. I have never experienced anything like it before in my life. It really has helped me to grow as a person. I have learned to respect people so much more. I realize now that everyone has a story and that has profoundly shaped the way that I look at people. I used to think that there were “one size fits all” rules for people and how people should act, but I realize now that life and people are much more complicated than I thought before. Everyone is going through something, and everyone is worthy of respect.”

            The second time I wrote this paper, it sounded like this: “Truthfully, it is hard to put into words what LeaderShape meant to me. On one hand, I want to say that it has not changed me. I am still me. But on the other hand, I feel like I am so much more aware. I feel different.

            Today, I went to a mini-conference on campus called “Partners in Movement.” It was all about white privilege and aimed to have conversations about race and discrimination. It was co-run by one of the family facilitators we had at LeaderShape named Amanda Goodenough and one of the staff named Carmen Hetzel. I signed up to go to this program about a week ago and only decided this morning at 11AM that I actually intended to go. Before LeaderShape, I would have never gone to a program like this. Never. Not on a weekend at noon when I would rather be sleeping. I would be casually interested in it, but I would not have actually drove to campus and attended. It was a huge step for me.

            Later this evening, after returning home from the mini-conference, I found myself to be really upset. Putting a word to my feelings, I realized that I was angry. Really angry. Angry at the systems that I have involved myself in and the discrimination that I have perpetuated. The injustices that I have let slip on by as if they mean nothing. Well, they do not mean nothing. So, I let myself rant. I took out a notebook page and just let loose. My pen screamed across the page as I ranted about every injustice people had done to me and I had done as of late. I was left lying on the floor, exhausted, wondering why in the world I was feeling this way. What was wrong with me lately?

            The truth? Nothing. Yet, at the same time, absolutely everything. I felt like a lot of my life has consisted of lies up until this point. All of my relationships with my friends need to change. My family dynamics needs to change. UW-La Crosse needs to change. The implications were overwhelming. Now that my eyes had been opened, they could not unsee what they had seen. We have a lot of work to do. The world, and my life, is very unequal right now.

            And all of these feelings are coming from me. Erica Thiem. The passive, people-pleasing, “A” student, who does not like participating on campus, who is hardly involved in clubs, and hates rocking the boat. Me.

            So, you want to know what people get out of LeaderShape? Why we should keep this program around? Easy. Just pick a word. Passion, integrity, dignity, respect, community, change, anger, truth, love. . . The list goes on and on, but it is all there. I have learned and/or experienced all of these things and more at LeaderShape.

            The third time I wrote this paper, it went like this: “If I had to sum up what I learned from LeaderShape, that would be very, very simple. In a sentence, I learned that I have a voice. A very importance voice and one that deserves to be heard. And if I will just tell the truth about what I see, in the best way that I can, I cannot imagine what kinds of change I can cause in the world. And in this moment, my truth is that I want to thank you. Thank you so much for giving me this experience. It has truly changed my life.

Sunday Evening Thoughts

Because if I were a bird, I would want to fly, too. . . .

Natural Highs

I am currently enrolled in a fascinating class at my college all about Addictions and the various forms that they take. It is incredibly interesting, and today the professor had us go around the class talking about "natural highs." It really got me thinking, so here is a list of some that we came up with, along with help from the internet:

• Dancing
• Seeing a sunset
• Performing
• Runner's high
• Showering after being dirty for a while
• Walking out of your last final
• Finding out that the shirt you wanted to buy is on sale
• Texting someone to find out that they were just thinking about you!
• Letters in the mail
• Long-distance phone calls
• Surprise gifts from friends
• Getting an "A" on that paper
• A chocolate milkshake
• Getting a strike in bowling
• Seeing the Northern Lights
• Smelling cookies in the oven
• A hot shower
• Laughing so hard you cry, your face hurts, you can't breathe, but you still can't stop laughing
• Being in love
• Cuddling in front of the fireplace
• Compliments from strangers / those you love
• Random conversations with strangers
• Staying up until 4 in the morning talking to friends
• Winning that game you worked your butt off in
• Hugs
• Holding a puppy
• Pay day
• Seeing a shooting star
• Walking outside barefoot
• Hearing "you're beautiful" and believing it
• Reading for the heck of it
• Holding hands with someone special
• Naps in the sun
• Getting engaged
• Taking off in an airplane
• Helping someone
• Roller coasters
• Saying "I love you" and not needing to hear it back
• Seeing a beautiful rainbow
• The first day you can wear flip flops after a long winter
• The first snowfall
• Hearing birds sing in the morning
• Cuddling with your pets
• Laughing for no reason
• Skydiving
• Realizing how blessed you are
• Finding money in old birthday cards
• Having classes cancelled
• Singing loud and proud when no one's around
• Birthday cake
• S'mores at a campfire
• Overcoming a fear
• Checking off something on a list

See this page for more.

How to Overcomplicate Any Decision

1. Look at ALL the options. Not just a few. Not even a handful. Find every single one of these suckers that you can and delve deeply into ALL of them.
2. Now that you have all the options, be sure to become thoroughly educated on EACH of them. Maybe even make pro and con lists for each option that you're considering and compare them to each other. Lists are your friend. So are Venn diagrams. And lots and lots and lots of paper.
3. Ask everyone in your vicinity what they think.
4. Think incessantly about the answer.
5. Worry about the answer.
6. Get little sleep at night due to so much worrying.
7. Encourage your friends and family to yell at you for not deciding so it will speed up the decision-making process
8. Decide to decide. . . .
9. But before that, reconsider all options, their pros and cons, and the opinions of everyone you know and their dogs.
10. Now that you're stressed, engage in the decision-making process by asking yourself, "What should I do?"
11. Beat yourself up when you don't get an answer.
12. Beat yourself up when you do get an answer.
13. When you start to get excited about an answer, remember the key phrase in decision-making:  "yeah, but"
14. Use "yeah but" any time decisions start to become too imminent.
15. Decide you don't know and you'll figure it out later
16. Then, look up even more options, and repeat the cycle

I Quit College: Knowing What you Want and Being True to Yourself

Please read to the bottom. Here is the post the way that I had originally written it:

I have known about Steve Pavlina's work for ages now. Being the more popular self-development blogger on the internet, he is highly successful by many accounts, and has written loads of interesting articles. One of which happened to be about being a college student. And, of course, the first recommendation in his article is "Know why you're there."

I started writing in my notebook. "I am here, because . . . ." I sat.

Nothing came to mind.

"Ok, strange," I started writing again. "I am here, because my parents want me to be?" I sat there. No more insights came. . .

Well, crap! That can't be right. What I had just written stared me in the face as if challenging me. Bad boy, bad boy, whatcha gonna do? I slumped in my chair. Wow, that sucks.

And then I promptly, "unintentionally," forgot about this mess of a moment and continued on with my college life like a good little student.

Fast forward a year.

"What do I want to do with my life?" I scribbled down. I am now a junior in college, still going hard as a psychology major, yet still feeling rather displeased with my life. I've had depression off and on throughout college, seemingly no matter what I do, so by now I have just accepted that being here I'm not as happy as I am at home. But nonetheless, I am here right now, and so a decision needs to be made. Soon.

But of course, as a woman who struggles ferociously with decisions, I have to pull our my handy dandy notebook (AKA the internet) and find out how to decide this. I came across many solutions:

For instance. . ..
I found out that you can ask yourself the "either or" question. "Would I rather have X but never Y, or would I rather have Y but never X?" That can be helpful.

I then made Pro's and Con's lists of the different occupations I was considering. I sent out e-mails asking to shadow a few people in these positions. I asked the opinions of almost every person I know. "What do you think I'd be good at?" I would whisper with a pleading look on the face. No one could give me an answer I liked, so I scoured the internet for more ideas.

The internet had more to say. Specifically, more Steve Pavlina. "What you want to experience next?" Good question, and actually very helpful, but all I got was "I don't know."

I looked into my Martha Beck collection, flipped open my favorite book to a well-thumbed page. "At some point, almost all my clients tell me they don't know what they want, and it's never true. . . Anytime you think you don't know what you want, it's because your social self has decided you shouldn't want it," (111, Finding your own North Star).

a;lksdjaf;lkdsja;ldkjsf! Darn it!!

I then took a deep breath, breathed and admitted that I must know the answer. It was impossible not to at least have SOME idea of what would be awesome to do. . . .

Ok, I know the answer. I affirmed to myself. "What would I like to experience next?"

An answer bubbled up from my subconscious.

"Be financially responsible for myself." . . . . Hmmm. . . . as a student, I am not financially responsible for my well-being as I am very lucky and grateful to have received a lot of help through my family.

And then it dawned on me.

I'm not happy here. I'm not happy HERE. It all poured out of me.

"I don't want to be here. I don't like it here. Yes, I'm a good student, but I hate it here. It's boring. And some of the poeple are cool, sure, but THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR ME RIGHT NOW. AND I FEEL SO ASHAMED for saying this, but this is ME. RIGHT HERE. RIGHT NOW."

. . . . . . .

I sat back in silence, reeling. Holy cow. . . .

It's true, I realized. I've been rationalizing my time as a college student for my entire college career, but this has never been the place for me. No wonder I've been depressed! I hate it here! I hate it!!!

I have no purpose for being here. None. And, duhhhh, I realized, purpose is the number one thing that I absolutely NEED in my life. I'm amazing at being a student, I rock at it, but NOT RIGHT NOW. This is not for me right now.

The implications were stunning. I penned one more sentence. "I am going to take a semester off." I let the words sink in. "I am going to take a semester off. I am going to take a semester off." My soul burst forward in an explosion of contentment, as if to say, Finally!!!!

I smiled. Well then. I guess that is that.

****************************************************

And this is the story of how my college career virtually ended, if only temporarily.

 . . .

Wait, virtually, you ask?

Yup! Because while this post sounds beautiful, it is just a story :) I wrote it about a week ago and knew as I was writing it that it wasn't supposed to be posted. It is based on a true story, but it is not the FULL story.

The full story is that, yes, I do not like college. And I am not blaming my university or anyone else for this fact. I am simply stating it. I do not like college. But even with that realization comes an even stronger one: even though I do not like it, I am not ready to leave here . . . . yet. And I am learning that being true to myself also requires me to respect my not readiness, as MUCH AS I WOULD LOVE to not.

Believe me, being not ready is REALLY HARD. I am impatient. I'm a pusher. I know these things about myself. But I also know that THIS is where I belong right now. . . .

In the wise words of someone I do not remember, "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." And that is the truth.

Refocusing the Lens

I must say, it was a very interesting experience to hop on over to this blog again early this year.

Many of you will notice that I had not posted in quite some time, in fact, I had actually posted a while ago saying that I don't like blogging and that I was going to quit. Anyways, that is clearly not the case. I am finding that I don't mind blogging. It's actually rather interesting. It is a place where I can have a voice, and say what I find to be true. I can share my truth with all of you.

Though, I will have plenty more truths to share in the future. At the present moment, I only intend to comment on how remarkable it is that I have accomplished almost all of my goals, whilst checking this blog only intermittently for the last 2 years. How neat is that?

My goals are as follows, with the bold ones meaning I have accomplished them:

De-clutter my room
Spend a weekend with a college friend this summer
Attend a concert
Explore my career interests - volunteer at Golden House, help out kids, do office work and/or teach Spanish (did not teach Spanish, but did tutor)
Spend time with a friend
Play with a horse trainer in the area's horses
Go on a road trip
Go to the beach
Teach my dog new tricks (I did improve one of his prior tricks)
Be active 5x a week for a half hour each day
Learn new skills - cooking, driving stick, bar tending and/or self-defense
Learn more about cars
Get a tattoo
Get my cartilage pierced
Get my nose pierced
Shoot a gun
Go paintballing
Sleep in a tent
Go fishing
Finish The Good Girl's Guide to Getting Lost
Grow a plant
Make 5 new friends (I'm not sure when I set these goals. . . but I think I've made 3?)
Decide on a major for college
Check out CHAPS

The vast majority are completed! Which is awesome! Clearly, I am able to set goals fairly effectively. Nonetheless, I now need some new goals, so will be actively working on those in the next days.

What Should I do? A poem of predicament

Growing up is a struggle,
where am I going?
such a lofty question.
there's no way of knowing

I, of course, am strangely confused
and often mistaken
for here in my home i
have little inspiration

I search consistently
for things that are never found
and mope about all alone
for a penny sum amount

wasting my time on
trivial things
yet time goes by still
and my heart will not sing

it laughs and watches
patiently waiting
for me to make changes
mostly unabated

yet with no guidance
i am always confused. . .
how do I pick things,
to do this or that muse?

a question unanswered
maybe only time tells
for so far i realize
thinking rings zero bells

the more i struggle
the more i despair
the more time i waste
the less i self-care

and life ought to be fun
and vibrant and alive
which all describe me
i intend to thrive

so, to less wasted time
and more loving cheer
my time here is necessary
but that's untrue of fear

This isn't Exactly Social Anxiety, but . . . .

I have realized that my most joyful moments in life are when I am alone.

Taking advantage of the fact that most of my neighbors and fellow townspeople of Green Bay and surrounding areas are watching the Packers right now, I chose to talk the dog instead. We stepped outside into above 30 degree weather, a warm break from the frozen temperatures of only a week ago.

I was finally able to breathe freely. And relax. My brain slowed to a crawl and I appreciated the easy simplicity of animals. Just Morrie and I walking. His tongue lolled from his mouth as he trots to keep pace with me. I slow down. Now we are both walking and I appreciate my surroundings. The traffic noise is minimal. No cars in sight, which is unusual living so close to a highway. The only thing I can hear is a bird cawing if I strain my ears. Otherwise, the world is lovingly silent. The outside world has considerately traded its noises and distractions for the sounds of a television, which is A ok with me and my dog.

We take a quick walk down the road and turn back when we hit the highway.

Nothing spectacular, but that was ok. My brain slowed down and I was able to feel at peace for the first time all day, which was miraculous :)

Ever since I read one of Steve Pavlina's articles about hope (an incredible article), I had been feeling rather glum about my life and my choices. And that, combined with not a lot of sleep, makes for a rather unhappy me.

Nonetheless, the outside world has worked its magic on me, as it usually does, and I enjoyed my walk with my dog immensely. Alone at last, we rule the world!

P. S. We were very sorry to see the Packers lose, though.

Why Everyone Should Go Paintballing

Pop, pop, pop, pop!

Paintballs burst right above my head, finding themselves splattered on an old oak tree. I grimaced as I crouched deeper beneath my cover. Only me and two other people on me team. It was us against five others. 

I surveyed our reality. The team was coming even closer to us, slowly, arching out to swoop in and get us from behind. Basically, we were very close to losing. I looked around and saw that the other team was running, so I quick made a break for it to join my teammate Kelly.

"Any ideas?" I huffed, out of breath.

She coughed, "Yeah, good luck!" And she sprinted away, only to get shot down immediately from who-knows-where. I looked around. I could not see a single teammate anymore. Crap! I shimmied to the edge of my cover and peeked around it. 

Pop, pop, pop!

Paintballs flew towards me in a hurry from in front of me. I was boxed in. Crap, crap, crap! I sat down behind my cover, gathering my breath to make a break for another hiding spot. I was just about to run when suddenly a loud voice screamed, "SURRENDER OR DIE!" 

"I surrender!" I cried, turning to face my attacker with my arms up.

"Good," he muttered. The ref called her whistle and the game was over. I was the last one left. They had gotten one of my teammates and I hadn't even realized it.

We traipsed back to the re-loading area and gathered ourselves for another round.

*******************************************************************************

 Clearly, this is a made-up story and it's been a while since I've played, but you get the gist. I've gone paintballing a few times in my life, and it's made a notable impact on me. So much so, that I believe everyone should go.

I used to be so afraid to paintball. I'd literally be in a game and sit and cower, because I was too afraid to move. My mask would fog up so I was blind and I would have no idea where anyone was and I was afraid to get hurt. It sucked. And then I would wonder why I had even gotten myself into this mess. Nonetheless, whenever anyone asked me to go in the future, I agreed.

Reflecting back on this decision, it was a very good one. Because only after I got shot a few times did I realize that "hey, these don't actually hurt that bad." And I think that is a good lesson for everyone.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best, "When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers." That is honestly how I view paintball. It's a good metaphor for all of life's risks, because while it seems scary at first, it's just a game! Paintballs really do not hurt that bad!

As such, I was proud of myself for playing and giving it a shot. I found confidence that I didn't know I had. Everyone should give it a try.

Choices are Choices

That may seem obvious, yet for me it was actually a bit of a lesson. It took some doing before I could finally admit that, yes, everything is a choice. And if you have a problem with that statement, like I did, really take a good hard look at yourself.

Because I found myself in that boat. Everything is a choice, sure, that makes sense. Yet when it comes to change, "No, I can't change! I can't stop the negative self-talk! I can't! I would if I could but I can't!" I chose to defend the demons in my head, and those whom I told about said demons believed me as well."Ok, you can't." And thus I got a lot of pity, both from myself and the other person.

But this other person is also phenomenally endowed with a wonderfully healthy outlook on life, for the most part, and so could not understand at all what it is like to have a voice in your head that berates you, or even to dislike yourself. It was a foreign concept to him. And this really struck me as incredible. I thought angry voices in your head was universal, but he showed me otherwise.

As I sat outside on my porch today to get a refreshing dose of Vitamin D, I suddenly remembered a story outside my RA's door at college. In it, a child remarks that he has two wolves fighting inside him. One is good, and one is evil, and he asks his grandpa which wolf will win. The grandpa replies, "The one you feed." And so, in my situation, it dawned on me that I was feeding the bad wolf. I was actually defending his existence! The horror. . . . So I asked myself, "What if the voice wasn't real? What if there was no angry voice?" And a sudden peace sprang up within me.

I wasn't resisting the voice, like I had in the past. I wasn't yelling at it, or threatening it, or attempting to reason with it. (Though, all are previously tried attempts.) I was simply discovering that having a voice like this is my CHOICE on some level at least.

Leafing through Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of Now I found a quote that reinforced what I was discovering. "Would you choose unhappiness? If you did not choose it, how did it arise? What is its purpose? Who is keeping it alive? You say that you are conscious of your unhappy feelings, but the truth is that you are identified with them and keep the process alive through compulsive thinking All that is unconscious. If you were conscious, that is to say totally present in the Now, all negativity would dissolve almost instantly. It could not survive in your presence" (211).

So, huh. Would I choose unhappiness? Well, of course not. Who wants to be unhappy? Then, why wasn't I making another choice? Well, I am conscious enough to realize that on some level, I do want the unhappiness. I haven't fully read any of Tolle's books, but I believe that he would call that desire either the pain-body's or the ego's, I'm unsure which, but nonetheless, it is from some entity that is not me.

I have looked into changing my level of consciousness quite a bit as well on Steve Pavlina's blog. He has some wonderful articles about it, as well as very useful exercises that leave you feeling fantastic, but I found that my motivation to do them was very low, since as I mentioned, one some level, I am still attached to the pain.

But, what pain? Do I really desire to be in pain? Do I really desire to be stuck? Again, of course not. Being in a fear-mindset is very easy, growing is hard. But it is entirely possible. And I know I will forget this from time to time, but I choose to believe that I can be happy, I can change . . . Ha! Ironically, even choosing that belief now IS change.

Well, whaddaya know? That wasn't so hard :)

Love, Erica

Truth Is . . .

Hi! Long time no see . . . So I decided to do this thing on Facebook where I post one truth about myself every day for at least 10 days and I've discovered something . . . when I thought about posting on blogger, I felt a huge resistance . . . Guess what? I actually HATE blogging . . .

I love to journal/ write, don't get me wrong. But for whatever reason, I don't like blogging. It's not fun. I have to sit here and stare at this bright computer screen and spout marvelous ideas that will get me followers (or so it seems) . . . it's not my idea of fun. . . .

So, I think I'm done. I give myself permission to never post again until I want to. If I ever want to.

I'm sure you'll hear from me again, though, if not through this blog, then in another form. . .

Because I have plans in the making ;)

Toodles!

Love,
Erica

The Passion Trap

"Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."

 For me, finding my passion is exactly the same. See, until recently, I had a belief that I couldn't be happy until I had found my passion. However, that is obviously not true! Yet I can't tell you how long I believed in that belief! I somehow thought that if I just woke up one morning and knew "the thing" that I loved and always would love, that my life would flip itself right side up and become marvelous. But I am slowly discovering that that is not how my life works. I have never had any huge wake-up calls in the form of external events (like deaths of a loved one, being fired, being on fire, etc). Changes in my life have always occurred as a result of slow changes due to a realization on my part. Exactly like this post here! Not saying that I won't ever get one, just that I have never had any to date.

So I am proud to say that I am no longer stuck in the passion trap :) I am no longer making my happiness dependent on whether or not I find this mythical 'passion.' Because it really is not a big deal. I have plenty of things that I love in my life, and who cares whether or not any of them is 'my passion?' I could have (and likely do have) plenty of passions and that's ok.

If anyone else is struggling with discovering your passion as well, I invite you to take some time off and stop using the word passion. By all means, do some introspection and think about what you love, but don't get hung up on the word or the exact result. It's not worth it, I promise ;)

Passionately "passion"-less,
Erica

Attacked by a Gremlin

Yes, it is true. I have been attacked. But not by any normal creature like a dog or cat. No. I have been attacked by a gremlin. While not a real creature, in the sense that it is invisible, it is incredibly cunning. It lives inside my head and heads up frequent attacks of self-doubt and 'shoulds' and insults.

It is not my friend. And nor do I want to make it one. However, I do wish to make peace with it. According to the Master's Course (where I will learn in depth about gremlins), everyone has a gremlin. And I am so proud to be able to say that the course is teaching me to feel when I'm being attacked by it. Before I thought it was a part of me, but now I realize that it's not. When I feel really unsure or hateful or unhappy, many times it's not me that's unhappy, but my gremlin.

Note: My gremlin is named Lyle and he's a crocodile, because I heard that somewhere and said "ha! That's mine!" But I have also heard people reference their inner child as another term for the same thing, so I decided to have a little child too named Cami. Sometimes it helps me to picture a child throwing a fit, other times I like to imagine Lyle rearing his ugly snout.

Just now, Cami had a huge tantrum. She was throwing things and begging me and threatening all at once, and I took a step back and said "wow, this really doesn't feel good." See, another tool I have learned is the "hell yeah" vs "hell no." I was presented with the option of going shooting today, which sounded cool, but the person immediately emphasized that it's super muddy and the mosquitos were going to be vicious. So my first instinct was "hell no." I get bit up like crazy, and I'd rather go on a less mosquito full day.

I noted this immediate reaction and decided to stick with it. But it's so interesting, as the time came when everyone was preparing to go, I could feel the pressure mounting on me that I should go to.

Cami had all of her usual tricks going: "You're being dumb. Just go. You know you want to. Everyone else is going. What are you gonna do at home for 3 hours by yourself? This opportunity doesn't come around every day you know." To top it all off as well, my uncle jokingly calls me a wimp and my head was screaming "ahh!"And as everyone but me piled into the car, I felt incredibly anxious. "What am I doing? Why don't I just go?" I was so tempted to ask them to wait for me right at the last second. But I knew it wasn't what I wanted. It was what my people-pleasing gremlin wanted.

"Oh, don't think I'm a wimp! Wait! I'll go!" it shrieked in my head.

But honestly, I'm the only one I have to please. And my first thought was "you know? I could use a break. I've been around people constantly for about a day now and I'd like some down time. It doesn't matter what they think of me. They're not me."

So, here I am writing a blog post comfortably from my living room :) I was able to say no. My stomach is pretty tense and my brain hasn't quite calmed down yet, but it's definitely progress.

As the Master's Course has emphasized, the ideal is to be able to honestly say "I love myself NO MATTER WHAT." Love should not be conditional. I want to get rid of the "Well, I'll love you Erica, but only if you go on this shooting trip. And wear these clothes. And be the perfect host. And blah blah blah." No. Screw that. I am perfect AS I AM. And I have choices. While I do want to go shooting this summer, I do not have to beat myself up about choosing not to right now. There will be other times.

I give myself permission to do what I want. I give myself permission to reject people's opinions of me. I give myself permission to love myself even though I didn't go shooting. I give myself permission to do what is the most delicious thing for me at this time :) That's really what it comes down to.

And at this moment, writing a blog post is the most delicious thing I can think of :) It's helping me to calm down. Because I am the kind of person who usually says no to a lot of things, people are used to guilting me into it. And now my gremlin has taken over that role.

It also helped me to think "20 years from now, what would I be most proud that I did right now? Went shooting or stayed home?" And to me, since I knew staying home was what I really want, I would rather listen to myself than fulfill a goal on a list.

However, my gremlin still hasn't totally calmed down. I can fill this graspy energy whenever I think of my uncle now. I feel like I have to prove to him now that I'm not a wimp, since he called me one. People-pleasing at its finest ;)



Ha! Ok, I am now finishing this post exactly an hour and a half later than when I started it. . . Well, I know why I wanted to stay home . . . I just had a fascinating conversation with my mom that really fulfilled me :) So, listening to what I wanted turned out awesomely!

Life is wonderful! And everything happens for a reason ;)

Love,
Erica

The Future is Mine!!!

"Except, which future exactly? The one with you as X or Z? Oh. . . as both? . . . Ok, how's THAT going to work? And what about Y? Didn't you still want to do that?"

Haha ok, needless to say I still am in the midst of deciding what I want to do for a career. However, I thought I would explore a few options today, because there are some things that I have been thinking of doing. . .

While I am still playing around with the idea of horses, there are a few things that I could see myself doing in regards to them. These aren't exactly conventional (some are actually more volunteer-sy), but they still sound awesome to me:

1. Spending time in Ibiza, Spain doing Parelli with horses while helping children. There's a lady named Karen Sailer who's already in Spain doing exactly that, and I think it would be awesome to combine my interests in Spanish, travel, horses and helping kids all at once! This probably wouldn't be a career, but it'd still be awesome to do!
2. I cannot for the life of me find the article, but I am almost positive there was an article in the Savvy Times a long time ago about a Parelli Professional who got to travel and spend a few weeks in another country to help out the locals with their horses. Similar to the above, just it would be in a less-developed area
3. Being an equine-assisted therapist. These are people who work in the self-help field yet get to use horses to help their clients change behaviors. Specifically, I'd love to use EAP and I'd love to learn from Linda Kohanov at her facility in Tucson, Arizona.
4. I know it's bizarre, since I don't have a horse, but I would still really really LOVE to stay at the Parelli Center for a while. I just imagine what it's like to be there. It seems so peaceful and accepting, and I really don't care what I have to do, because I'm going to be there someday. The Parelli system has such amazing values; I really don't know what other place in the world has such a strong focus on self-improvement and growth and that is huge to me. So even if the actual horse part of things doesn't pan out, I want to work for Parelli somehow. Maybe in the blogging department ;) I just know that I LOVE their values.

I've also found myself more interested in dog psychology, too. So I think it would also be awesome to be a dog walker/ trainer. I'm talking trainer as in Cesar Millan type of trainer, though. So I think it would be fantastic to rehabilitate a dog, and currently I'm going to rehabilitate my own little scoundrel xD (he'll be a happy dog in no time! Or else! muah-ha-ha!) This wouldn't be a career for me, though, just something I'd like to do in my leisure time. I think someday I would like to train a guide dog and see how that goes . . . I think that would be very rewarding.

Back to careers, though . . . I have also been considering teaching as a future profession. It definitely has some major perks and major drawbacks. Perks = summers off, gone the same time as kids, awesome hours, talking all day. Downsides = lesson plans, possibly dealing with kids too much, grading homework, falling pay. The summers off benefit is huge, because that gives me 3 whole months to do whatever I want. That would be WONDERFUL to travel, because I know that I want to travel. Otherwise, I could just explore one of my other interests during this time. And I believe I would be teaching younger kids, too, probably more elementary school age, so in reality, lesson plans and homework wouldn't be too strenuous. But the kids would be cooped up with a lot of energy and that might get tough.

Another job I'm considering is being a life coach. This is something that I could even do on the side if I want, but it sounds genuinely awesome! The Master's Course group that I'm a part of gives me access to 2 different life coaches and so far I'm really pleased with what they've brought to the table. And it seems fun on their ends as well! I'd love to help people change their lives, that'd be fantastic! I would want to get certified through Martha Beck to be a life coach.

Kind of on the heels of the life coaching idea is that of a career coach. I'm not quite as interested in this one in the usual boring "take this career test, see any you like?, ok look up more details" blah blah blah. I like the "so. . . what excites you? What makes you want to wake up in the morning?" kind of coaching. That's awesome to me. Figuring out what your soul wants to do. And I guess, really, that is part of life coaching too. Cool :)

Another thing I want to do for a little while (or at least try) is being an editor. I'm really a words person and I think it would be awesome to read books and work with authors to help publish their work. I actually found a small publisher in Minneapolis that is looking for interns so maybe that would be something else I could try this summer somewhere closer to home.

Lastly (I hope haha) I want to be an author. It would be so amazing to publish a book. . . Just to have the feeling and proof of my contribution to the world, right in my hand. That would be phenomenal. I know it will be a lot of work, but someday I am going to publish one. I am so interested in people's life stories, I might as well write mine ;) (or not, we'll let future me decide that one)

Ok I lied. Not done yet. I forgot one of the biggest things I want to do . . . TRAVEL!! I know that for a job I'm not keen on traveling. When I say that, I mean that I don't want to travel on business trips or something. That sounds dull to me. I don't want to be in a foreign land and be stuck in meetings all day. I want to see and do things! So, as a part of my college experience, I am definitely studying abroad, I just have to decide where. And also after college, I am planning on taking a gap year and seeing the world then as well. And if I still haven't had enough, I could always join the Navy and see things that way :) I would join the Cryptology department and use my language skills, so hopefully I would come home with a better understanding of Spanish or an entirely new language under my belt.

And the only other thing I forgot is graphic design. I don't want to do it for a living, but I think it would be pretty cool to do. I would love to be able to design my own website, too. That kind of thing. It'd just be a really useful skill to have.

So, after reading all that, can you tell I've looked things up? Haha yeah, it's a lot, I know. But I think that's everything I'm seriously considering. There are a few other jobs hanging around (paralegal, librarian, psychologist), but I'm not as interested in those. I'd be ok with doing them, but I don't know. They just don't sound as exciting. Librarian sounds cool, but it'd depend on the place. I'd love to be in a library all day some days, but other days I'd just want to dance and sing down the aisles and I'm pretty sure the kids might look at me funny :D Plus, I guess I just don't want to stoop to that. I feel like people would say that being a librarian would fit me, and I agree, it would, but I don't want a job that fits me: I want to grow into it. I want to be challenged by my job :) so that means I have to pick something that's a little farther outside of my comfort zone.

Hopefully by the end of the summer I'll have a more concrete idea :)

Love,
Erica

Love is in the Air

So, I hinted at this in a previous post, but I thought I would bring it up in a separate post. I have mentioned before as well my problems with self-love and I finally decided that I am going to fix it! Thus, I have invested in a 6 week Master Course with life coaches Amy Smith and Andrea Owen.

The course just started on Wednesday with the first call, which, to be honest, I haven't listened to. However, there is a Facebook group associated with the call and I already feel much more supported in my journey as a result of this group.

And I'm very proud of myself, too! This course wasn't cheap, but I decided that I am worth it :) I read so many self-improvement books and use a lot of their strategies, but I rarely have someone to bounce ideas off of and Andrea and Amy are giving me that opportunity for a price much lower than one-on-one coaching would cost. So while it makes my inner child freak out a little at the money loss, I've decided not to listen to that part of me. Now is the time for some self-love! I am worth it! Wooo!

Now go do something nice for yourself today! And enjoy the weekend :)

Love,
Erica

The Search for Savvy. . .

Is no more. . .

 I decided that to better reflect my life, I should give the blog a bit of a makeover. All of the old posts are still on the sidebar for the time being, however we now have a new title to reflect my new and improved life:

The Illumination of Life

Just gorgeous ;) and the web address has changed as well, btw!

Toodles,
Erica

Feel the Fear . . . And Do It Anyway

In the land of Parelli, this sort of phrase is not one that you will commonly find. Many horse lovers experience fear at some point in their lives, and a lot of people feel liberated that Parelli instead uses the principle of "approach and retreat" (or better: "retreat then re-approach) instead of just forcing people through their thresholds. However, I am finding that in my own life, the title may sometimes be the more appropriate thing to do.

As an example, in my life one of my goals is to develop a wider circle of friends. However, I find that many times when I am presented with an opportunity to make more friends, I tend to balk. I know what my goal is, but in the moment, my brain cannot process anything besides "ALERT: DISCOMFORT!" and I bow out. While it may make the discomfort go away, it doesn't help me reach my goal. So, maybe sometimes it would be more beneficial for me to just do it.

Another little thought: have you ever had someone who could see right through you? As in, they jumped right in and instantly blew apart your comfort zone? From time to time, I get people like that in my life. A few of my co-workers, actually, were pretty good at it (unknowingly). Usually I end up disliking people who make me feel so uncomfortable, but there was one guy at work named Jay who was pretty cool. He was extremely sociable and confident in himself and basically just thrust me into the world as if everything was easy breezy. I remember one day he ran outside of the dining room quick, because he thought he heard a gun shot, but upon realizing there was none, he turned to me and yelled "holy crap! Feel my chest! My heart's beating like crazy!" And I instantly withdrew, because I'm not comfortable doing that.

There was another guy I went to high school with, who for a time wanted to be friends with me. We were in a group together for a project and he got my number, asked me to hang out a few times (which I refused) and then quickly proclaimed that I was boring. I was pissed.
"I am NOT BORING!" I'd yell at him whenever he would tell me I was.
"Yeah?" He'd smirk. "Then what do you ever do for fun?" At my immediate glance away, he'd presume his victory and puff his chest out like a tom cat. But after a few days, he got bored with 'boring old me' and went back to talking to his friends during class. I don't think he even realizes that I still remember the encounter, because it did have an effect on me. He is SO opposite of me! Similar to my co-worker, he is loud, extremely obnoxious and social, yet intent on living it up. Literally, for me to even be near him is outside of my comfort zone. I don't know if he ever realized that.

Upon reflection, both of these individuals were good teachers for the times that they were in my life. They immediately honed in on areas where I'm uncomfortable and did a good job of making me feel that way. So while being uncomfortable feels horrible and awful, I realize now that being uncomfortable means that I'm growing. It's usually not something to be avoided like the plague. It's a good thing :)

So where are you letting fear stop you in your life? How can you be uncomfortable today?

Love,
Erica

To Be Happy . . . Or Not

You are the creator of your own reality

While I have heard this phrase many times, and even thought I knew what it meant in the past, I have to say that I was slightly mistaken. Have you ever really taken the time and thought about it? You are THE CREATOR of your own REALITY. So it's not your Mom, or your long-lost sister-in-law, or your pal Fido who's tweaking the gears on your life. It's YOU. YOU have complete and utter control of your own life.

Wow.

What a thought, huh?

So. . . What does this mean? Well, it means that we are responsible for our own lives. Another saying I've heard a billion times: life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you make of it. Life is not about what happens to us. It's about what we do with what happens to us.

As you may imagine, for someone on the path of self-improvement, this was a huge wake-up call to me. I have actually had this realization in the past, but it has never sunk in to this extent before. I have a bad habit of bombarding myself with information and not actually taking the time it takes to actually use this information to improve my life. Basically, I spin my own wheels. "Oh, I'm improving! See, look at all this new information I found!" But as Parelliers say, knowledge starts at the eyebrows and then it filters downwards. Or another tidbit that I actually learned in my psychology class. Learning is defined as "a semi-permanent change in behavior resulting from experience." Therefore, even though I have found all this information, if I have not actually used it in my life, it is worthless to me. I have not learned anything. It simply serves to keep me stuck.

See the reason this is so incredible to me is that I have already known this. I have become more self-aware as of late, and I realized that I had to change. But I am afraid of the unknown. Going outside my comfort zone is scary. And so I would have a huge realization like this, write it down, but then not change anything in my lifestyle. . . .

Unfortunately, that is not how life works. If I want the life of my dreams, I am responsible for making it happen.

As an example, one of my goals in life is to be fit and active. All advice books out there anywhere would tell you that being active is huge for increasing your overall happiness level. I KNOW that. I've felt it myself when I do exercise. And unfortunately (or not . . . depending on whether you want to stay stuck), there will never be a note taped to my door "Erica - you should exercise now" and then I just get up and start exercising. What I'm saying is that the motivation for exercising has to come from inside and it has to come NOW.

Ok, spare me a moment, I'm going to go on a tangent for a second. It's along these lines, I promise. One of my HUGEST things in my life was, and continues to be, finding my passion. I feel as if I've looked up and down every nook and cranny of my life in order to find it (though that's not true). About every few months, I'd have a breakdown time where I'd be so frustrated and grovel "God, why can't you just TELL me what I'm meant to do?!? That would be SOOO much easier!" But I started to think about that. . . What if that actually did happen? Could you imagine? What if I woke up one morning with a voicemail, "Hey Erica, God speaking, just wanted to let you know that you should be XYZ. K love ya, bye!" It'd be absurd! What if I didn't have any interest in doing XYZ? Or what if I didn't do it on purpose, just to see what would happen? So I realized that having someone tell me what to do wouldn't work at all. It truly does have to come from inside.

To be honest, I tell you all this with a weary heart. I would compare myself (minimally) to someone with a disease who is now told that they are cured but doesn't feel happy at this revelation. It is a wonderful thing to know, because now I am literally free to do as I please! The world is mine! But it makes me sad. I was so comfortable in the unhappiness of my old life. Was I happy? No. But I have gotten used to the discomfort. Kind of sad, right?

Anyways, I thought I would post about it and tell you all so that I am more accountable. A small part of me is tempted to just file this information away yet again so that I can play the victim once more in my life. . . However . . . that WILL NOT lead me to the life that I want to live.

So, here's to learning! And change! And being uncomfortable!

Love,
Erica

P.S. There's more to this story. I didn't go into it here, but there's a book in particular that caused a big part of this revelation and I will share it with you in another post :)

P.P.S. Also, I have yet to tell you about this wonderful self-love course that I am currently a part of . . . So stay tuned ;)

Hello Blog!

Long time no see!!

I guess I should apologize, seeing as I have not posted anything in literally 2 years. Though I doubt it is of utmost importance, so I shall refrain :)

So . . . . 2 years!! A lifetime in some ways.

I have changed a ton! It astounds me to look at my old posts and to see even how incredibly self-critical I have been of myself. No wonder I never had any fun :)

A little update: I am currently at college and am almost done. I actually just had my very last class as a freshman, so I am in the midst of many changes whilst preparing for finals.

Thus, for what reason am I writing a blog right now?

Frankly, because these past few weeks have been the most transformative of my life. If you notice above, I posted that quote by Anais Lin, because it fits me perfectly at the moment. If you have ever read the book Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser (and if not, I highly recommend it), I have and still am going through my own personal Broken Open period right now.

College is an amazing tool, and I have become very reflective as a result. I have relatioships with wonderful friends and professors who really challenge me and the way that I live my life. It is fascinating. Being an intellectual and always looking for self-improvement, my soul rejoices in these conversations. All of my classes this semester have been eye-opening in some way or another, and I really feel changed as a person.

I know that I am not perfect, and I also know that I will never be, but it has really taken me almost all of these 2 years without a horse to kind of find myself. I am still slightly lost, but much less so than I have been. I've realized recently, with amounting pressure to decide on a major, that life really is what I make it. I can be whoever I choose, I just have to decide. And well, even that is kind of a lie. I don't HAVE to decide, technically. There are many options. Ok, better phrasing. I have the choice to pick my major and then the choice to be satisfied with it. Because sooner or later, everyone in college has to pick something. And there is no such thing as a perfect major. Also, I recognize that whatever I pick will be perfect, simply because I have chosen it. So there is much less pressure to find the perfect major.

I have a very strong inner critic who loves to berate me on my choices, because I have come to realize that I am quite a perfectionist in the way that I plan my life. I generally want to have the 'perfect schedule' with the 'perfect major' and graduate in no more than 4 years and get a wonderful job. But life is messy! And while those are wonderful goals to have, they are not always feasible. Do I want to have some sort of direction? Ideally, yes. But there are people who graduate from college with no idea what they want to do, and that is okay too. Do I want to avoid that? Yes. But if it is what happen, then it must happen.

That being said, I do have some interests in mind. Currently, I am a Spanish major and I intend to keep that. So, as of right now I think I shall be a Psychology and Spanish double major with a minor in Communication Studies. However, I am also going to be doing a lot of exploring over the summer to see if that is what I really want.

Because if I want to change it, that's fine. But it gets to a point where I just have to accept that it is what it is. In picking my classes for this semester, I changed my schedule 8 times. 8 times!! That is an insane amount of switching and it caused me a ton of anxiety! Thus, I don't want to do that again. If I need to take time off to figure things out, then I will. But I respect myself now, and my worth as a person.

The biggest thing that I have come away with this semester is self-love. Love yourself for who you are. That is #1. Absolutely #1. Because hating myself is pointless. I cannot be happy with my life if I hate the person who is living it. That is counter-productive and does not make sense. So I have worked really hard to examine my life and work to change my mind. If only you could see my desk right now :) It is littered with post-its all over, entirely devoted to positive self talk. I have found a lot of support from friends and many on line articles as well as a few books that have really changed me. It also helps that I love quotes, and Parelli actually came to me, too, in my journey to heal.

Quotes I can't help but share:

• "It's not about the _________, it's about the relationship" (one of the basic, if not THE basic point of Parelli, all Parelliers have heard it, but have you ever stopped and applied it to yourself? That was a huge revelation for me.)
• "You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it."
• "Happiness is a choice." (I've heard this one many times as well, but it has really sunk in recently.)
• "Feel of, feel for, feel together." (another Parelli-ism, but have you ever applied it to relationships with people?)
• "Forgiveness is a reflection of loving yourself enough to move on." (if you have trouble letting go of things that you blame yourself for, like I do, really think on this one. It'll change you.)
• "Being happy doesn't necessarily mean smiling and skipping around 24 hours a day. It means finding a way to be passionate about what I'm doing or not doing it." -Linda Parelli (this is something I have also thought a lot about in the context of choices and 'get to' vs 'got to.' A lot of time, I will think things like "ugggghhhh I have to go to class,' but I have to examine that thought. Is that true? No one is making me go. The professor doesn't care. So I have to take back that thought. The truth is I chose to be here. I chose to take this class. And I am privileged to have this education. It's a much more positive energy, because it shifts me out of being a victim into being an empowered person, which is much more satisfying.)
• "If not now, when?" (ever thought about this? Now is all you've got . . . .)
• "Life is unfolding exactly as it should."
• "Sanity begins the moment you admit you're powerless over other people."
• "Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment." (then, there are no shoulding or regrets: my psych professor actually quoted someone the other day who said that we have to stop "must-erbating and shoulding all over ourselves." Very clever, but true. If something happened, it must have needed to occur. Or in other words, "what's done is done." So accept it and move on.)

So, with all of this, I have done a lot of soul-searching the past month :) as you might imagine. And I am happy to announce that I actually do see myself as a pretty damn cool person ;) I found this meme on Facebook that I just loved: "I have a problem with low self-esteem, which is really ridiculous when you consider how awesome I am." Haha! That totally fits.

Another huge thing I've learned this year is not to judge. And even that it goes both ways. I've always empathized with victims of situations, but I have to not judge the person causing the bad situation, too. I have no idea what they're going through or why they acted that way, but it is not my place to judge. I have to do my best to be there for either individual, and treat them as I would want to be treated. That is imperative. Accept people for who they are.

I have really seen how important it is to love and accept people for who they are without judgment. It is amazingly important, because we are all important and have gifts to bring to the table. I believe if we didn't have a reason for being here, we wouldn't be. So then, everyone has something important to contribute, and everyone has lessons to teach me if I will be humble enough to listen. I'm not perfect, by any means, but I will try my best to be there for people and love them as they are. That's a promise :)

Lastly, I just want to touch on Parelli. I looked back and re-read my post entitled Clarity and I really do think I was on to something there, it has just taken me this long for it to really sink in. See, I rarely ever cry, but as a result of this transformation that I'm going through, I've been much more emotional than I normally am. It's kind of exciting actually :) So as a result, I got to thinking last weekend about Moose. I have never cried over not having him, or even mourned his loss or anything. Once I sold him, I thanked God that he was off my hands and I moved on with my life. But I completely ignored the fact that he was, quite literally, my best friend for 2 years of my life. I had sold my best friend. And so the tears finally came :) I do not feel ashamed of selling him, because I know that it had to be done. I was much too busy and had things to figure out about me, and I did not have the capacity to have a horse at the time. So I accept that it had to happen. And I also accept that he is no longer mine. He was an amazing mirror and will always have a special place in my heart :)

Anyways, after my cry about Moose, it did get me thinking. And I am being very gentle with myself on the topic, but I am wondering about Parelli. Horses are a big commitment, and I know that I love them. But then, I also have to admit that I am scared of them. I have been ashamed to admit it, but I had fear issues with Moose even.

Haha, I apologize. My thinking is quite sporadic (typical RBE for ya haha). My point originally in bringing up the post Clarity in the last paragraph was to talk about freedom. I mention this horse I rode in 4th grade named Johnny where I was cantering and I felt free. I want that feeling back. And I accept that I could find it in other manners, possibly, but I am playing with how much heart and desire I have towards horses. Thus, I have to be honest with myself and acknowledge that horses are a big commitment, but I'm leaving the door open to whatever I decide.

They have been in and out of my life for years. I get into horses, I get out. But I know that I love them. They are beautiful creatures. I love people and I love animals. But I just am waiting until I know what feels right to me. If I get back into horses, I am going to do so because I want to, because it's fun, and because I love my horse and want to do right by him. I want to do things right. And I am going to respect myself too. I actually made a list of the ideas that scare me:

• Electric fences (my horse touching them while riding/ on line)
• Other horses near my horse (what if my horse reacts poorly? so alpha horses = scary in particular)
• My horse leading too far behind me (what if I get run over)
• Getting my foot caught in the stirrup and getting drug
• Saddling up my horse poorly and he is uncomfortable
• My horse stepping on his lead rope and freaking out (like Moose did)
• Sitting on the ground near my horse (what if I'm stepped on/ can’t get out of the way)
• Being out of control in general (More specifically, I feel out of control when 1 rein riding/ no rein riding: ok, I feel out of control when riding in general, which could be solved through a focus on getting my balance better)
• Being outside of our pasture with my horse

It's pretty extensive. And none of these ideas make me panic or sweat or anything, I just feel uncomfortable. But it is still fear. It would still cause me to be an ineffective leader for my horse. It is a mix of safety and trust issues, and I recognize as well that horses will always be horses and if I want to get back into the Parelli world, I do have to accept this fact. There will never be zero risk in being around horses. They are prey animals and accidents do happen. However, I also have a lot of control over my confidence and the situations that I expose myself to. If I want this, I could overcome it.

And to be honest with you, I feel like I do want it. I really do want that connection with a horse. That look and loving acceptance that tells you you're doing something right. That permission to be myself and not be judged. And the opportunity to grow even more as a person. I'm just so afraid of believing in myself, because I'm afraid of failing. What if I can't ever get over these fears? What if I am doomed to be the person stuck on the sidelines forever, loving horses from a distance? Or what if I get into horses again and decide that I want out immediately?

Tons of what-ifs. "Breathe, Erica. You know in your heart what you want." And I do. But fear is scary. It involves opening up and believing and exposing myself to risk. It's stepping outside of my comfort zone. And my logical brain would like to chip in here and add that "failure is good, that's how you learn." If I get back into horses, even a little bit and I can't get over these fears, so be it. I will have gained immense knowledge of myself and who I am. So it won't be for nothing. I will just feel like I have failed, but I can overcome that. Failure is learning, it's nothing to be afraid of.

On the other hand, what if I succeed? What if I get over all of these fears? What if I actually can accomplish my dream? What if I can get to canter, safely and with trust? What if I can develop an independent seat and be respected as a rider? What if I can be so much fun for my horse that he can't wait to be with me? And what if I can have so much fun with my horse that I'm no longer afraid? What if I could do that?

Hmmmm . . . . Lots to think about, for sure. I'll update again when I next feel like sharing :)

Until then, have a good one!!

--Erica