Clarity

While I admit it is very strange to not have a horse in the pasture, it has given me a form of clarity that I didn't have before. The day we sold Moose, I went with my neighbors to look at a prospect for them. The visit went well, and they decided they are going to buy the horse. And so then came all the excitement and jitters of having something new, all the good feelings associated with horses. This is not new to me, but the thoughts that ensued were. My neighbors were then thinking of going camping with this horse, and DOING STUFF. While this might sound like common sense, to me it was an almost radical thought. DO STUFF with your horse? Woah. Who'da thunk?

And so I realize that I had lost the fun with my horse. He was not fun. He was more of code I was intent on cracking. It was an obsession, and obsessions are not fun. Yes, we made progress, but it was never fun. I got asked in the last few months of having Moose, why? Why did i put so much effort in? And to be honest, I didn't know. If something isn't fun, why do it?

Well, I believe the answer to that question is that it WAS fun, just to someone else. I had gotten so caught up in my idols' path that I was pursuing their dreams without even realizing it. Heck, I had tricked myself into thinking these were MY ideas even.

So while it is bittersweet to let Moose go, it has already given me a good lesson. So while in the future I may get another horse, I have learned I want it to be fun. That is the bottom line. I was always kind of timid of Moose, but I didn't need to be. I could have gotten a nice horse that was easy to ride. Because to me, that IS the fun.

I remember taking lessons in 4th grade with a trainer. Once a week, we went out to her stable, and there was this horse their named Johnny. Older gelding, all black, he was a pretty boy. But he was perfectly mannered. As a young child, I loved that horse. He made me feel safe. I remember riding him, and cantering around the trainer's pen and feeling pure joy, just bliss. That was probably the best time I ever had on a horse. And I have never had another experience of that caliber, nor felt that safe on a horse since.

As we were riding home from looking at this horse, my neighbor just casually said "I remember what it was like to have fun." And it was amazing! I mean, what happened? Where did we go wrong?

A good question. But it's not worth focusing on the past. A better question would be "how can I have more fun today?"

Pondering this . . .

If I have learned anything these past few months. . .

It's this:

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

I have discovered that my dream has changed. I no longer feel the need to have a horse in my life. It's a very interesting thing to get used to, but I am choosing to have faith. It scares me to not have a direction to pursue, but I am instead choosing to trust that there is something even better out there for me.