That may seem obvious, yet for me it was actually a bit of a lesson. It took some doing before I could finally admit that, yes, everything is a choice. And if you have a problem with that statement, like I did, really take a good hard look at yourself.
Because I found myself in that boat. Everything is a choice, sure, that makes sense. Yet when it comes to change, "No, I can't change! I can't stop the negative self-talk! I can't! I would if I could but I can't!" I chose to defend the demons in my head, and those whom I told about said demons believed me as well."Ok, you can't." And thus I got a lot of pity, both from myself and the other person.
But this other person is also phenomenally endowed with a wonderfully healthy outlook on life, for the most part, and so could not understand at all what it is like to have a voice in your head that berates you, or even to dislike yourself. It was a foreign concept to him. And this really struck me as incredible. I thought angry voices in your head was universal, but he showed me otherwise.
As I sat outside on my porch today to get a refreshing dose of Vitamin D, I suddenly remembered a story outside my RA's door at college. In it, a child remarks that he has two wolves fighting inside him. One is good, and one is evil, and he asks his grandpa which wolf will win. The grandpa replies, "The one you feed." And so, in my situation, it dawned on me that I was feeding the bad wolf. I was actually defending his existence! The horror. . . . So I asked myself, "What if the voice wasn't real? What if there was no angry voice?" And a sudden peace sprang up within me.
I wasn't resisting the voice, like I had in the past. I wasn't yelling at it, or threatening it, or attempting to reason with it. (Though, all are previously tried attempts.) I was simply discovering that having a voice like this is my CHOICE on some level at least.
Leafing through Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of Now I found a quote that reinforced what I was discovering. "Would you choose unhappiness? If you did not choose it, how did it arise? What is its purpose? Who is keeping it alive? You say that you are conscious of your unhappy feelings, but the truth is that you are identified with them and keep the process alive through compulsive thinking All that is unconscious. If you were conscious, that is to say totally present in the Now, all negativity would dissolve almost instantly. It could not survive in your presence" (211).
So, huh. Would I choose unhappiness? Well, of course not. Who wants to be unhappy? Then, why wasn't I making another choice? Well, I am conscious enough to realize that on some level, I do want the unhappiness. I haven't fully read any of Tolle's books, but I believe that he would call that desire either the pain-body's or the ego's, I'm unsure which, but nonetheless, it is from some entity that is not me.
I have looked into changing my level of consciousness quite a bit as well on Steve Pavlina's blog. He has some wonderful articles about it, as well as very useful exercises that leave you feeling fantastic, but I found that my motivation to do them was very low, since as I mentioned, one some level, I am still attached to the pain.
But, what pain? Do I really desire to be in pain? Do I really desire to be stuck? Again, of course not. Being in a fear-mindset is very easy, growing is hard. But it is entirely possible. And I know I will forget this from time to time, but I choose to believe that I can be happy, I can change . . . Ha! Ironically, even choosing that belief now IS change.
Well, whaddaya know? That wasn't so hard :)
Love, Erica
