Yes, it is true. I have been attacked. But not by any normal creature like a dog or cat. No. I have been attacked by a gremlin. While not a real creature, in the sense that it is invisible, it is incredibly cunning. It lives inside my head and heads up frequent attacks of self-doubt and 'shoulds' and insults.
It is not my friend. And nor do I want to make it one. However, I do wish to make peace with it. According to the Master's Course (where I will learn in depth about gremlins), everyone has a gremlin. And I am so proud to be able to say that the course is teaching me to feel when I'm being attacked by it. Before I thought it was a part of me, but now I realize that it's not. When I feel really unsure or hateful or unhappy, many times it's not me that's unhappy, but my gremlin.
Note: My gremlin is named Lyle and he's a crocodile, because I heard that somewhere and said "ha! That's mine!" But I have also heard people reference their inner child as another term for the same thing, so I decided to have a little child too named Cami. Sometimes it helps me to picture a child throwing a fit, other times I like to imagine Lyle rearing his ugly snout.
Just now, Cami had a huge tantrum. She was throwing things and begging me and threatening all at once, and I took a step back and said "wow, this really doesn't feel good." See, another tool I have learned is the "hell yeah" vs "hell no." I was presented with the option of going shooting today, which sounded cool, but the person immediately emphasized that it's super muddy and the mosquitos were going to be vicious. So my first instinct was "hell no." I get bit up like crazy, and I'd rather go on a less mosquito full day.
I noted this immediate reaction and decided to stick with it. But it's so interesting, as the time came when everyone was preparing to go, I could feel the pressure mounting on me that I should go to.
Cami had all of her usual tricks going: "You're being dumb. Just go. You know you want to. Everyone else is going. What are you gonna do at home for 3 hours by yourself? This opportunity doesn't come around every day you know." To top it all off as well, my uncle jokingly calls me a wimp and my head was screaming "ahh!"And as everyone but me piled into the car, I felt incredibly anxious. "What am I doing? Why don't I just go?" I was so tempted to ask them to wait for me right at the last second. But I knew it wasn't what I wanted. It was what my people-pleasing gremlin wanted.
"Oh, don't think I'm a wimp! Wait! I'll go!" it shrieked in my head.
But honestly, I'm the only one I have to please. And my first thought was "you know? I could use a break. I've been around people constantly for about a day now and I'd like some down time. It doesn't matter what they think of me. They're not me."
So, here I am writing a blog post comfortably from my living room :) I was able to say no. My stomach is pretty tense and my brain hasn't quite calmed down yet, but it's definitely progress.
As the Master's Course has emphasized, the ideal is to be able to honestly say "I love myself NO MATTER WHAT." Love should not be conditional. I want to get rid of the "Well, I'll love you Erica, but only if you go on this shooting trip. And wear these clothes. And be the perfect host. And blah blah blah." No. Screw that. I am perfect AS I AM. And I have choices. While I do want to go shooting this summer, I do not have to beat myself up about choosing not to right now. There will be other times.
I give myself permission to do what I want. I give myself permission to reject people's opinions of me. I give myself permission to love myself even though I didn't go shooting. I give myself permission to do what is the most delicious thing for me at this time :) That's really what it comes down to.
And at this moment, writing a blog post is the most delicious thing I can think of :) It's helping me to calm down. Because I am the kind of person who usually says no to a lot of things, people are used to guilting me into it. And now my gremlin has taken over that role.
It also helped me to think "20 years from now, what would I be most proud that I did right now? Went shooting or stayed home?" And to me, since I knew staying home was what I really want, I would rather listen to myself than fulfill a goal on a list.
However, my gremlin still hasn't totally calmed down. I can fill this graspy energy whenever I think of my uncle now. I feel like I have to prove to him now that I'm not a wimp, since he called me one. People-pleasing at its finest ;)
Ha! Ok, I am now finishing this post exactly an hour and a half later than when I started it. . . Well, I know why I wanted to stay home . . . I just had a fascinating conversation with my mom that really fulfilled me :) So, listening to what I wanted turned out awesomely!
Life is wonderful! And everything happens for a reason ;)
Love,
Erica
