Emotional Ride

I had a bad day with Dancer again. Mom says I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but I can't help it. I'm shoulding myself again. I should be better. I should be farther into L2 by now, because I spend so much time with the horses. I should have more savvy. I should be a Pat Parelli by now . . . BLAH BLAH BLAH. Bottom line: I need to relax and accept where I am.

But I have found out that that is SOO hard for me! I actually thought about this a long time ago, but I have difficulty accepting some things. For instance, I play rec soccer every summer. It's fun, but only because I can kick really far. I don't have to work hard, and I play alright.

So, with the horses I am actually presented with a challenge, and while my RBI nature would shy from anything that whispers confrontation, I still have a LBI in me who says that I want to be a Pat/Linda Parelli. Which basically means that despite all the opposition from the horses, I still pursue my passion. But that doesn't mean it's easy. Sometimes I wonder and wish and cry and scream because it's not easy (though I'm not implying it's any easier for anyone else). But I would be a lot better off if I just realized that the journey is what it is and just accept that. That'd make a lot less wondering, wishing, crying and screaming.

But I guess I am very direct-line in the fact that I can't seem to give it up. I mean, in some ways my mom seems to make more progress with Bella by playing with her a couple times a month and not caring about results than I do playing almost everyday a week! I don't push Moose to go faster, so I'm not direct-line in that way. But I am in that even though I don't push him, I do care. I am very conscious of the fact that I've put around 350 hours into him thus far and am still barely finished with L1!

So there's one little rant of mine. Here's another realization I've found out about myself. I don't trust myself. Who'da thunk? The idea sounds absurd to me, I'll admit. But unfortunately, it's true.

I have come to realize this by thinking about some of my patterns. As a person, I don't like to ask for help, but when I do, I ask about either stupid things, or about everything! It's all or nothing, and if it's all it's for reassurance purposes usually. So, I usually ask questions I already know the answer to, solely because I don't think I have the right answer. It's kind of confusing, but I'm lying to myself almost.

For example, the other day I asked Vicky what do do about Moose getting stuck on the Figure-Eight. He just stands there sometimes when I'm trying to draw him to me. Vicky said "Well, just have your Mom pop him on the butt then." I said I didn't think it was dominance, but fear. So, what do you do for fear? Back off, or wait. I already know that!!

Sometimes it's the same thing with the ponies. I'll go outside and see that someone, let's say myself, is in a crappy mood. Or I get hints that things are going to happen, but I consciously disregard them. Before Bella got sick, I noticed she was less curious about people and that's saying something because she LOVES people (seriously, she's a Newf  in horse form, she's even got the look :), but I just brush it off. I do it ALL the time with the horses. Dancer doesn't respond well to something. Well then heck, let's do more of it!