From this blog, no not quite, but from horse life. Yes, I will admit it. I wasn't kidding when I said in my last post that I hadn't played with the horses since the trip. And while that's not exactly true, I mean I did play with them twice, that doesn't exactly count.
I went outside by them yesterday and was stunned into a realization that I've been peeking into for like the past few months. I'm not happy with them. I've betrayed them. I haven't been acting as a friend. I've been using them as a means to an end, exactly the opposite of what I intended upon. I expected to walk outside and cheat, that suddenly upon encountering my presence the horses would just line up like little angels and dance with me perfectly harmonious and in tune. HA!
So I have figured out that not only was I a LITTLE far fetched, I was using Moose as a favorite old teddy bear. You cry on it, it sits there. You're angry, you throw it, but yet you still expect it to love you. And it does, it's a faithful little thing, but it still never gives you anything of itself, because it's more present than you. A total run-on, I understand, but I was cheating them. Both Bella and Moose. I was waving my hand to god, being the little stuck up teacher's pet who says "Hey, well I played with my horses every day for an hour. Can I have an A now?" And then turns around talking to her other classmates and says "How long have YOU played with your horses?" with a toss of her hair and a very high and mighty attitude.
Ok, so that's not exactly me.
But that's about how I came across. I, said "hey, I'm doing the work" and then complained when nothing happened. Well, duh! I was putting in the hours, but the wrong hours. I wasn't learning anything from them. I refused to look myself in the mirror, which is the first thing that had to change. So all that time I put in last year didn't even matter, no wait that's a lie. It's not that it didn't matter, because it did, it pushed me towards the breaking point every day I played. It's just that I could've advanced the same with played monthly as I did daily.
I was lying. And that's what my dilemma was: I was lying to myself, so I was lying to the horses. They tried to show me and I wouldn't listen. And now I have an insane feeling that they've been yelling at me this whole time "hey we need a little help over here!" I think they've been waiting for me to break through, to stand out there and say "This is who I am!" That's why they kept prodding me, they'd comfort me when needed, but they never allowed me to really connect with them because I wasn't connected with myself.
Do you kind of see what I mean? I don't know how to come right out and say this, it's all interconnected. I just have a feeling once I say hey, we can finally start this again.
But I HAVE to have changed from the back-stabbing person I was before to now an understanding friend. I'm not sure if I have or not, but I have this realization at the forefront of my brain now, so at least there's hope for our relationship now if nothing more. I think I'm going to go start over with him tonight. Tell him who I am. Be friends. And then maybe we can set our sights on riding bridleless off into the sunset.
But I'm getting ahead of myself now, aren't I? ;)
