How to Overcomplicate Any Decision

1. Look at ALL the options. Not just a few. Not even a handful. Find every single one of these suckers that you can and delve deeply into ALL of them.
2. Now that you have all the options, be sure to become thoroughly educated on EACH of them. Maybe even make pro and con lists for each option that you're considering and compare them to each other. Lists are your friend. So are Venn diagrams. And lots and lots and lots of paper.
3. Ask everyone in your vicinity what they think.
4. Think incessantly about the answer.
5. Worry about the answer.
6. Get little sleep at night due to so much worrying.
7. Encourage your friends and family to yell at you for not deciding so it will speed up the decision-making process
8. Decide to decide. . . .
9. But before that, reconsider all options, their pros and cons, and the opinions of everyone you know and their dogs.
10. Now that you're stressed, engage in the decision-making process by asking yourself, "What should I do?"
11. Beat yourself up when you don't get an answer.
12. Beat yourself up when you do get an answer.
13. When you start to get excited about an answer, remember the key phrase in decision-making:  "yeah, but"
14. Use "yeah but" any time decisions start to become too imminent.
15. Decide you don't know and you'll figure it out later
16. Then, look up even more options, and repeat the cycle

I Quit College: Knowing What you Want and Being True to Yourself

Please read to the bottom. Here is the post the way that I had originally written it:

I have known about Steve Pavlina's work for ages now. Being the more popular self-development blogger on the internet, he is highly successful by many accounts, and has written loads of interesting articles. One of which happened to be about being a college student. And, of course, the first recommendation in his article is "Know why you're there."

I started writing in my notebook. "I am here, because . . . ." I sat.

Nothing came to mind.

"Ok, strange," I started writing again. "I am here, because my parents want me to be?" I sat there. No more insights came. . .

Well, crap! That can't be right. What I had just written stared me in the face as if challenging me. Bad boy, bad boy, whatcha gonna do? I slumped in my chair. Wow, that sucks.

And then I promptly, "unintentionally," forgot about this mess of a moment and continued on with my college life like a good little student.

Fast forward a year.

"What do I want to do with my life?" I scribbled down. I am now a junior in college, still going hard as a psychology major, yet still feeling rather displeased with my life. I've had depression off and on throughout college, seemingly no matter what I do, so by now I have just accepted that being here I'm not as happy as I am at home. But nonetheless, I am here right now, and so a decision needs to be made. Soon.

But of course, as a woman who struggles ferociously with decisions, I have to pull our my handy dandy notebook (AKA the internet) and find out how to decide this. I came across many solutions:

For instance. . ..
I found out that you can ask yourself the "either or" question. "Would I rather have X but never Y, or would I rather have Y but never X?" That can be helpful.

I then made Pro's and Con's lists of the different occupations I was considering. I sent out e-mails asking to shadow a few people in these positions. I asked the opinions of almost every person I know. "What do you think I'd be good at?" I would whisper with a pleading look on the face. No one could give me an answer I liked, so I scoured the internet for more ideas.

The internet had more to say. Specifically, more Steve Pavlina. "What you want to experience next?" Good question, and actually very helpful, but all I got was "I don't know."

I looked into my Martha Beck collection, flipped open my favorite book to a well-thumbed page. "At some point, almost all my clients tell me they don't know what they want, and it's never true. . . Anytime you think you don't know what you want, it's because your social self has decided you shouldn't want it," (111, Finding your own North Star).

a;lksdjaf;lkdsja;ldkjsf! Darn it!!

I then took a deep breath, breathed and admitted that I must know the answer. It was impossible not to at least have SOME idea of what would be awesome to do. . . .

Ok, I know the answer. I affirmed to myself. "What would I like to experience next?"

An answer bubbled up from my subconscious.

"Be financially responsible for myself." . . . . Hmmm. . . . as a student, I am not financially responsible for my well-being as I am very lucky and grateful to have received a lot of help through my family.

And then it dawned on me.

I'm not happy here. I'm not happy HERE. It all poured out of me.

"I don't want to be here. I don't like it here. Yes, I'm a good student, but I hate it here. It's boring. And some of the poeple are cool, sure, but THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR ME RIGHT NOW. AND I FEEL SO ASHAMED for saying this, but this is ME. RIGHT HERE. RIGHT NOW."

. . . . . . .

I sat back in silence, reeling. Holy cow. . . .

It's true, I realized. I've been rationalizing my time as a college student for my entire college career, but this has never been the place for me. No wonder I've been depressed! I hate it here! I hate it!!!

I have no purpose for being here. None. And, duhhhh, I realized, purpose is the number one thing that I absolutely NEED in my life. I'm amazing at being a student, I rock at it, but NOT RIGHT NOW. This is not for me right now.

The implications were stunning. I penned one more sentence. "I am going to take a semester off." I let the words sink in. "I am going to take a semester off. I am going to take a semester off." My soul burst forward in an explosion of contentment, as if to say, Finally!!!!

I smiled. Well then. I guess that is that.

****************************************************

And this is the story of how my college career virtually ended, if only temporarily.

 . . .

Wait, virtually, you ask?

Yup! Because while this post sounds beautiful, it is just a story :) I wrote it about a week ago and knew as I was writing it that it wasn't supposed to be posted. It is based on a true story, but it is not the FULL story.

The full story is that, yes, I do not like college. And I am not blaming my university or anyone else for this fact. I am simply stating it. I do not like college. But even with that realization comes an even stronger one: even though I do not like it, I am not ready to leave here . . . . yet. And I am learning that being true to myself also requires me to respect my not readiness, as MUCH AS I WOULD LOVE to not.

Believe me, being not ready is REALLY HARD. I am impatient. I'm a pusher. I know these things about myself. But I also know that THIS is where I belong right now. . . .

In the wise words of someone I do not remember, "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." And that is the truth.

Refocusing the Lens

I must say, it was a very interesting experience to hop on over to this blog again early this year.

Many of you will notice that I had not posted in quite some time, in fact, I had actually posted a while ago saying that I don't like blogging and that I was going to quit. Anyways, that is clearly not the case. I am finding that I don't mind blogging. It's actually rather interesting. It is a place where I can have a voice, and say what I find to be true. I can share my truth with all of you.

Though, I will have plenty more truths to share in the future. At the present moment, I only intend to comment on how remarkable it is that I have accomplished almost all of my goals, whilst checking this blog only intermittently for the last 2 years. How neat is that?

My goals are as follows, with the bold ones meaning I have accomplished them:

De-clutter my room
Spend a weekend with a college friend this summer
Attend a concert
Explore my career interests - volunteer at Golden House, help out kids, do office work and/or teach Spanish (did not teach Spanish, but did tutor)
Spend time with a friend
Play with a horse trainer in the area's horses
Go on a road trip
Go to the beach
Teach my dog new tricks (I did improve one of his prior tricks)
Be active 5x a week for a half hour each day
Learn new skills - cooking, driving stick, bar tending and/or self-defense
Learn more about cars
Get a tattoo
Get my cartilage pierced
Get my nose pierced
Shoot a gun
Go paintballing
Sleep in a tent
Go fishing
Finish The Good Girl's Guide to Getting Lost
Grow a plant
Make 5 new friends (I'm not sure when I set these goals. . . but I think I've made 3?)
Decide on a major for college
Check out CHAPS

The vast majority are completed! Which is awesome! Clearly, I am able to set goals fairly effectively. Nonetheless, I now need some new goals, so will be actively working on those in the next days.

What Should I do? A poem of predicament

Growing up is a struggle,
where am I going?
such a lofty question.
there's no way of knowing

I, of course, am strangely confused
and often mistaken
for here in my home i
have little inspiration

I search consistently
for things that are never found
and mope about all alone
for a penny sum amount

wasting my time on
trivial things
yet time goes by still
and my heart will not sing

it laughs and watches
patiently waiting
for me to make changes
mostly unabated

yet with no guidance
i am always confused. . .
how do I pick things,
to do this or that muse?

a question unanswered
maybe only time tells
for so far i realize
thinking rings zero bells

the more i struggle
the more i despair
the more time i waste
the less i self-care

and life ought to be fun
and vibrant and alive
which all describe me
i intend to thrive

so, to less wasted time
and more loving cheer
my time here is necessary
but that's untrue of fear

This isn't Exactly Social Anxiety, but . . . .

I have realized that my most joyful moments in life are when I am alone.

Taking advantage of the fact that most of my neighbors and fellow townspeople of Green Bay and surrounding areas are watching the Packers right now, I chose to talk the dog instead. We stepped outside into above 30 degree weather, a warm break from the frozen temperatures of only a week ago.

I was finally able to breathe freely. And relax. My brain slowed to a crawl and I appreciated the easy simplicity of animals. Just Morrie and I walking. His tongue lolled from his mouth as he trots to keep pace with me. I slow down. Now we are both walking and I appreciate my surroundings. The traffic noise is minimal. No cars in sight, which is unusual living so close to a highway. The only thing I can hear is a bird cawing if I strain my ears. Otherwise, the world is lovingly silent. The outside world has considerately traded its noises and distractions for the sounds of a television, which is A ok with me and my dog.

We take a quick walk down the road and turn back when we hit the highway.

Nothing spectacular, but that was ok. My brain slowed down and I was able to feel at peace for the first time all day, which was miraculous :)

Ever since I read one of Steve Pavlina's articles about hope (an incredible article), I had been feeling rather glum about my life and my choices. And that, combined with not a lot of sleep, makes for a rather unhappy me.

Nonetheless, the outside world has worked its magic on me, as it usually does, and I enjoyed my walk with my dog immensely. Alone at last, we rule the world!

P. S. We were very sorry to see the Packers lose, though.

Why Everyone Should Go Paintballing

Pop, pop, pop, pop!

Paintballs burst right above my head, finding themselves splattered on an old oak tree. I grimaced as I crouched deeper beneath my cover. Only me and two other people on me team. It was us against five others. 

I surveyed our reality. The team was coming even closer to us, slowly, arching out to swoop in and get us from behind. Basically, we were very close to losing. I looked around and saw that the other team was running, so I quick made a break for it to join my teammate Kelly.

"Any ideas?" I huffed, out of breath.

She coughed, "Yeah, good luck!" And she sprinted away, only to get shot down immediately from who-knows-where. I looked around. I could not see a single teammate anymore. Crap! I shimmied to the edge of my cover and peeked around it. 

Pop, pop, pop!

Paintballs flew towards me in a hurry from in front of me. I was boxed in. Crap, crap, crap! I sat down behind my cover, gathering my breath to make a break for another hiding spot. I was just about to run when suddenly a loud voice screamed, "SURRENDER OR DIE!" 

"I surrender!" I cried, turning to face my attacker with my arms up.

"Good," he muttered. The ref called her whistle and the game was over. I was the last one left. They had gotten one of my teammates and I hadn't even realized it.

We traipsed back to the re-loading area and gathered ourselves for another round.

*******************************************************************************

 Clearly, this is a made-up story and it's been a while since I've played, but you get the gist. I've gone paintballing a few times in my life, and it's made a notable impact on me. So much so, that I believe everyone should go.

I used to be so afraid to paintball. I'd literally be in a game and sit and cower, because I was too afraid to move. My mask would fog up so I was blind and I would have no idea where anyone was and I was afraid to get hurt. It sucked. And then I would wonder why I had even gotten myself into this mess. Nonetheless, whenever anyone asked me to go in the future, I agreed.

Reflecting back on this decision, it was a very good one. Because only after I got shot a few times did I realize that "hey, these don't actually hurt that bad." And I think that is a good lesson for everyone.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best, "When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers." That is honestly how I view paintball. It's a good metaphor for all of life's risks, because while it seems scary at first, it's just a game! Paintballs really do not hurt that bad!

As such, I was proud of myself for playing and giving it a shot. I found confidence that I didn't know I had. Everyone should give it a try.

Choices are Choices

That may seem obvious, yet for me it was actually a bit of a lesson. It took some doing before I could finally admit that, yes, everything is a choice. And if you have a problem with that statement, like I did, really take a good hard look at yourself.

Because I found myself in that boat. Everything is a choice, sure, that makes sense. Yet when it comes to change, "No, I can't change! I can't stop the negative self-talk! I can't! I would if I could but I can't!" I chose to defend the demons in my head, and those whom I told about said demons believed me as well."Ok, you can't." And thus I got a lot of pity, both from myself and the other person.

But this other person is also phenomenally endowed with a wonderfully healthy outlook on life, for the most part, and so could not understand at all what it is like to have a voice in your head that berates you, or even to dislike yourself. It was a foreign concept to him. And this really struck me as incredible. I thought angry voices in your head was universal, but he showed me otherwise.

As I sat outside on my porch today to get a refreshing dose of Vitamin D, I suddenly remembered a story outside my RA's door at college. In it, a child remarks that he has two wolves fighting inside him. One is good, and one is evil, and he asks his grandpa which wolf will win. The grandpa replies, "The one you feed." And so, in my situation, it dawned on me that I was feeding the bad wolf. I was actually defending his existence! The horror. . . . So I asked myself, "What if the voice wasn't real? What if there was no angry voice?" And a sudden peace sprang up within me.

I wasn't resisting the voice, like I had in the past. I wasn't yelling at it, or threatening it, or attempting to reason with it. (Though, all are previously tried attempts.) I was simply discovering that having a voice like this is my CHOICE on some level at least.

Leafing through Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of Now I found a quote that reinforced what I was discovering. "Would you choose unhappiness? If you did not choose it, how did it arise? What is its purpose? Who is keeping it alive? You say that you are conscious of your unhappy feelings, but the truth is that you are identified with them and keep the process alive through compulsive thinking All that is unconscious. If you were conscious, that is to say totally present in the Now, all negativity would dissolve almost instantly. It could not survive in your presence" (211).

So, huh. Would I choose unhappiness? Well, of course not. Who wants to be unhappy? Then, why wasn't I making another choice? Well, I am conscious enough to realize that on some level, I do want the unhappiness. I haven't fully read any of Tolle's books, but I believe that he would call that desire either the pain-body's or the ego's, I'm unsure which, but nonetheless, it is from some entity that is not me.

I have looked into changing my level of consciousness quite a bit as well on Steve Pavlina's blog. He has some wonderful articles about it, as well as very useful exercises that leave you feeling fantastic, but I found that my motivation to do them was very low, since as I mentioned, one some level, I am still attached to the pain.

But, what pain? Do I really desire to be in pain? Do I really desire to be stuck? Again, of course not. Being in a fear-mindset is very easy, growing is hard. But it is entirely possible. And I know I will forget this from time to time, but I choose to believe that I can be happy, I can change . . . Ha! Ironically, even choosing that belief now IS change.

Well, whaddaya know? That wasn't so hard :)

Love, Erica