Please read to the bottom. Here is the post the way that I had originally written it:
I have known about Steve Pavlina's work for ages now. Being the more popular self-development blogger on the internet, he is highly successful by many accounts, and has written loads of interesting articles. One of which happened to be about being a college student. And, of course, the first recommendation in his article is "Know why you're there."
I started writing in my notebook. "I am here, because . . . ." I sat.
Nothing came to mind.
"Ok, strange," I started writing again. "I am here, because my parents want me to be?" I sat there. No more insights came. . .
Well, crap! That can't be right. What I had just written stared me in the face as if challenging me. Bad boy, bad boy, whatcha gonna do? I slumped in my chair. Wow, that sucks.
And then I promptly, "unintentionally," forgot about this mess of a moment and continued on with my college life like a good little student.
Fast forward a year.
"What do I want to do with my life?" I scribbled down. I am now a junior in college, still going hard as a psychology major, yet still feeling rather displeased with my life. I've had depression off and on throughout college, seemingly no matter what I do, so by now I have just accepted that being here I'm not as happy as I am at home. But nonetheless, I am here right now, and so a decision needs to be made. Soon.
But of course, as a woman who struggles ferociously with decisions, I have to pull our my handy dandy notebook (AKA the internet) and find out how to decide this. I came across many solutions:
For instance. . ..
I found out that you can ask yourself the "either or" question. "Would I rather have X but never Y, or would I rather have Y but never X?" That can be helpful.
I then made Pro's and Con's lists of the different occupations I was considering. I sent out e-mails asking to shadow a few people in these positions. I asked the opinions of almost every person I know. "What do you think I'd be good at?" I would whisper with a pleading look on the face. No one could give me an answer I liked, so I scoured the internet for more ideas.
The internet had more to say. Specifically, more Steve Pavlina. "What you want to experience next?" Good question, and actually very helpful, but all I got was "I don't know."
I looked into my Martha Beck collection, flipped open my favorite book to a well-thumbed page. "At some point, almost all my clients tell me they don't know what they want, and it's never true. . . Anytime you think you don't know what you want, it's because your social self has decided you shouldn't want it," (111, Finding your own North Star).
a;lksdjaf;lkdsja;ldkjsf! Darn it!!
I then took a deep breath, breathed and admitted that I must know the answer. It was impossible not to at least have SOME idea of what would be awesome to do. . . .
Ok, I know the answer. I affirmed to myself. "What would I like to experience next?"
An answer bubbled up from my subconscious.
"Be financially responsible for myself." . . . . Hmmm. . . . as a student, I am not financially responsible for my well-being as I am very lucky and grateful to have received a lot of help through my family.
And then it dawned on me.
I'm not happy here. I'm not happy HERE. It all poured out of me.
"I don't want to be here. I don't like it here. Yes, I'm a good student, but I hate it here. It's boring. And some of the poeple are cool, sure, but THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR ME RIGHT NOW. AND I FEEL SO ASHAMED for saying this, but this is ME. RIGHT HERE. RIGHT NOW."
. . . . . . .
I sat back in silence, reeling. Holy cow. . . .
It's true, I realized. I've been rationalizing my time as a college student for my entire college career, but this has never been the place for me. No wonder I've been depressed! I hate it here! I hate it!!!
I have no purpose for being here. None. And, duhhhh, I realized, purpose is the number one thing that I absolutely NEED in my life. I'm amazing at being a student, I rock at it, but NOT RIGHT NOW. This is not for me right now.
The implications were stunning. I penned one more sentence. "I am going to take a semester off." I let the words sink in. "I am going to take a semester off. I am going to take a semester off." My soul burst forward in an explosion of contentment, as if to say, Finally!!!!
I smiled. Well then. I guess that is that.
****************************************************
And this is the story of how my college career virtually ended, if only temporarily.
. . .
Wait, virtually, you ask?
Yup! Because while this post sounds beautiful, it is just a story :) I wrote it about a week ago and knew as I was writing it that it wasn't supposed to be posted. It is based on a true story, but it is not the FULL story.
The full story is that, yes, I do not like college. And I am not blaming my university or anyone else for this fact. I am simply stating it. I do not like college. But even with that realization comes an even stronger one: even though I do not like it, I am not ready to leave here . . . . yet. And I am learning that being true to myself also requires me to respect my not readiness, as MUCH AS I WOULD LOVE to not.
Believe me, being not ready is REALLY HARD. I am impatient. I'm a pusher. I know these things about myself. But I also know that THIS is where I belong right now. . . .
In the wise words of someone I do not remember, "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." And that is the truth.
