I Quit College: Knowing What you Want and Being True to Yourself

Please read to the bottom. Here is the post the way that I had originally written it:

I have known about Steve Pavlina's work for ages now. Being the more popular self-development blogger on the internet, he is highly successful by many accounts, and has written loads of interesting articles. One of which happened to be about being a college student. And, of course, the first recommendation in his article is "Know why you're there."

I started writing in my notebook. "I am here, because . . . ." I sat.

Nothing came to mind.

"Ok, strange," I started writing again. "I am here, because my parents want me to be?" I sat there. No more insights came. . .

Well, crap! That can't be right. What I had just written stared me in the face as if challenging me. Bad boy, bad boy, whatcha gonna do? I slumped in my chair. Wow, that sucks.

And then I promptly, "unintentionally," forgot about this mess of a moment and continued on with my college life like a good little student.

Fast forward a year.

"What do I want to do with my life?" I scribbled down. I am now a junior in college, still going hard as a psychology major, yet still feeling rather displeased with my life. I've had depression off and on throughout college, seemingly no matter what I do, so by now I have just accepted that being here I'm not as happy as I am at home. But nonetheless, I am here right now, and so a decision needs to be made. Soon.

But of course, as a woman who struggles ferociously with decisions, I have to pull our my handy dandy notebook (AKA the internet) and find out how to decide this. I came across many solutions:

For instance. . ..
I found out that you can ask yourself the "either or" question. "Would I rather have X but never Y, or would I rather have Y but never X?" That can be helpful.

I then made Pro's and Con's lists of the different occupations I was considering. I sent out e-mails asking to shadow a few people in these positions. I asked the opinions of almost every person I know. "What do you think I'd be good at?" I would whisper with a pleading look on the face. No one could give me an answer I liked, so I scoured the internet for more ideas.

The internet had more to say. Specifically, more Steve Pavlina. "What you want to experience next?" Good question, and actually very helpful, but all I got was "I don't know."

I looked into my Martha Beck collection, flipped open my favorite book to a well-thumbed page. "At some point, almost all my clients tell me they don't know what they want, and it's never true. . . Anytime you think you don't know what you want, it's because your social self has decided you shouldn't want it," (111, Finding your own North Star).

a;lksdjaf;lkdsja;ldkjsf! Darn it!!

I then took a deep breath, breathed and admitted that I must know the answer. It was impossible not to at least have SOME idea of what would be awesome to do. . . .

Ok, I know the answer. I affirmed to myself. "What would I like to experience next?"

An answer bubbled up from my subconscious.

"Be financially responsible for myself." . . . . Hmmm. . . . as a student, I am not financially responsible for my well-being as I am very lucky and grateful to have received a lot of help through my family.

And then it dawned on me.

I'm not happy here. I'm not happy HERE. It all poured out of me.

"I don't want to be here. I don't like it here. Yes, I'm a good student, but I hate it here. It's boring. And some of the poeple are cool, sure, but THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR ME RIGHT NOW. AND I FEEL SO ASHAMED for saying this, but this is ME. RIGHT HERE. RIGHT NOW."

. . . . . . .

I sat back in silence, reeling. Holy cow. . . .

It's true, I realized. I've been rationalizing my time as a college student for my entire college career, but this has never been the place for me. No wonder I've been depressed! I hate it here! I hate it!!!

I have no purpose for being here. None. And, duhhhh, I realized, purpose is the number one thing that I absolutely NEED in my life. I'm amazing at being a student, I rock at it, but NOT RIGHT NOW. This is not for me right now.

The implications were stunning. I penned one more sentence. "I am going to take a semester off." I let the words sink in. "I am going to take a semester off. I am going to take a semester off." My soul burst forward in an explosion of contentment, as if to say, Finally!!!!

I smiled. Well then. I guess that is that.

****************************************************

And this is the story of how my college career virtually ended, if only temporarily.

 . . .

Wait, virtually, you ask?

Yup! Because while this post sounds beautiful, it is just a story :) I wrote it about a week ago and knew as I was writing it that it wasn't supposed to be posted. It is based on a true story, but it is not the FULL story.

The full story is that, yes, I do not like college. And I am not blaming my university or anyone else for this fact. I am simply stating it. I do not like college. But even with that realization comes an even stronger one: even though I do not like it, I am not ready to leave here . . . . yet. And I am learning that being true to myself also requires me to respect my not readiness, as MUCH AS I WOULD LOVE to not.

Believe me, being not ready is REALLY HARD. I am impatient. I'm a pusher. I know these things about myself. But I also know that THIS is where I belong right now. . . .

In the wise words of someone I do not remember, "I am exactly where I am supposed to be." And that is the truth.

The Future is Mine!!!

"Except, which future exactly? The one with you as X or Z? Oh. . . as both? . . . Ok, how's THAT going to work? And what about Y? Didn't you still want to do that?"

Haha ok, needless to say I still am in the midst of deciding what I want to do for a career. However, I thought I would explore a few options today, because there are some things that I have been thinking of doing. . .

While I am still playing around with the idea of horses, there are a few things that I could see myself doing in regards to them. These aren't exactly conventional (some are actually more volunteer-sy), but they still sound awesome to me:

1. Spending time in Ibiza, Spain doing Parelli with horses while helping children. There's a lady named Karen Sailer who's already in Spain doing exactly that, and I think it would be awesome to combine my interests in Spanish, travel, horses and helping kids all at once! This probably wouldn't be a career, but it'd still be awesome to do!
2. I cannot for the life of me find the article, but I am almost positive there was an article in the Savvy Times a long time ago about a Parelli Professional who got to travel and spend a few weeks in another country to help out the locals with their horses. Similar to the above, just it would be in a less-developed area
3. Being an equine-assisted therapist. These are people who work in the self-help field yet get to use horses to help their clients change behaviors. Specifically, I'd love to use EAP and I'd love to learn from Linda Kohanov at her facility in Tucson, Arizona.
4. I know it's bizarre, since I don't have a horse, but I would still really really LOVE to stay at the Parelli Center for a while. I just imagine what it's like to be there. It seems so peaceful and accepting, and I really don't care what I have to do, because I'm going to be there someday. The Parelli system has such amazing values; I really don't know what other place in the world has such a strong focus on self-improvement and growth and that is huge to me. So even if the actual horse part of things doesn't pan out, I want to work for Parelli somehow. Maybe in the blogging department ;) I just know that I LOVE their values.

I've also found myself more interested in dog psychology, too. So I think it would also be awesome to be a dog walker/ trainer. I'm talking trainer as in Cesar Millan type of trainer, though. So I think it would be fantastic to rehabilitate a dog, and currently I'm going to rehabilitate my own little scoundrel xD (he'll be a happy dog in no time! Or else! muah-ha-ha!) This wouldn't be a career for me, though, just something I'd like to do in my leisure time. I think someday I would like to train a guide dog and see how that goes . . . I think that would be very rewarding.

Back to careers, though . . . I have also been considering teaching as a future profession. It definitely has some major perks and major drawbacks. Perks = summers off, gone the same time as kids, awesome hours, talking all day. Downsides = lesson plans, possibly dealing with kids too much, grading homework, falling pay. The summers off benefit is huge, because that gives me 3 whole months to do whatever I want. That would be WONDERFUL to travel, because I know that I want to travel. Otherwise, I could just explore one of my other interests during this time. And I believe I would be teaching younger kids, too, probably more elementary school age, so in reality, lesson plans and homework wouldn't be too strenuous. But the kids would be cooped up with a lot of energy and that might get tough.

Another job I'm considering is being a life coach. This is something that I could even do on the side if I want, but it sounds genuinely awesome! The Master's Course group that I'm a part of gives me access to 2 different life coaches and so far I'm really pleased with what they've brought to the table. And it seems fun on their ends as well! I'd love to help people change their lives, that'd be fantastic! I would want to get certified through Martha Beck to be a life coach.

Kind of on the heels of the life coaching idea is that of a career coach. I'm not quite as interested in this one in the usual boring "take this career test, see any you like?, ok look up more details" blah blah blah. I like the "so. . . what excites you? What makes you want to wake up in the morning?" kind of coaching. That's awesome to me. Figuring out what your soul wants to do. And I guess, really, that is part of life coaching too. Cool :)

Another thing I want to do for a little while (or at least try) is being an editor. I'm really a words person and I think it would be awesome to read books and work with authors to help publish their work. I actually found a small publisher in Minneapolis that is looking for interns so maybe that would be something else I could try this summer somewhere closer to home.

Lastly (I hope haha) I want to be an author. It would be so amazing to publish a book. . . Just to have the feeling and proof of my contribution to the world, right in my hand. That would be phenomenal. I know it will be a lot of work, but someday I am going to publish one. I am so interested in people's life stories, I might as well write mine ;) (or not, we'll let future me decide that one)

Ok I lied. Not done yet. I forgot one of the biggest things I want to do . . . TRAVEL!! I know that for a job I'm not keen on traveling. When I say that, I mean that I don't want to travel on business trips or something. That sounds dull to me. I don't want to be in a foreign land and be stuck in meetings all day. I want to see and do things! So, as a part of my college experience, I am definitely studying abroad, I just have to decide where. And also after college, I am planning on taking a gap year and seeing the world then as well. And if I still haven't had enough, I could always join the Navy and see things that way :) I would join the Cryptology department and use my language skills, so hopefully I would come home with a better understanding of Spanish or an entirely new language under my belt.

And the only other thing I forgot is graphic design. I don't want to do it for a living, but I think it would be pretty cool to do. I would love to be able to design my own website, too. That kind of thing. It'd just be a really useful skill to have.

So, after reading all that, can you tell I've looked things up? Haha yeah, it's a lot, I know. But I think that's everything I'm seriously considering. There are a few other jobs hanging around (paralegal, librarian, psychologist), but I'm not as interested in those. I'd be ok with doing them, but I don't know. They just don't sound as exciting. Librarian sounds cool, but it'd depend on the place. I'd love to be in a library all day some days, but other days I'd just want to dance and sing down the aisles and I'm pretty sure the kids might look at me funny :D Plus, I guess I just don't want to stoop to that. I feel like people would say that being a librarian would fit me, and I agree, it would, but I don't want a job that fits me: I want to grow into it. I want to be challenged by my job :) so that means I have to pick something that's a little farther outside of my comfort zone.

Hopefully by the end of the summer I'll have a more concrete idea :)

Love,
Erica