Growing up is a struggle,
where am I going?
such a lofty question.
there's no way of knowing
I, of course, am strangely confused
and often mistaken
for here in my home i
have little inspiration
I search consistently
for things that are never found
and mope about all alone
for a penny sum amount
wasting my time on
trivial things
yet time goes by still
and my heart will not sing
it laughs and watches
patiently waiting
for me to make changes
mostly unabated
yet with no guidance
i am always confused. . .
how do I pick things,
to do this or that muse?
a question unanswered
maybe only time tells
for so far i realize
thinking rings zero bells
the more i struggle
the more i despair
the more time i waste
the less i self-care
and life ought to be fun
and vibrant and alive
which all describe me
i intend to thrive
so, to less wasted time
and more loving cheer
my time here is necessary
but that's untrue of fear
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Sunday, January 18, 2015
This isn't Exactly Social Anxiety, but . . . .
I have realized that my most joyful moments in life are when I am alone.
Taking advantage of the fact that most of my neighbors and fellow townspeople of Green Bay and surrounding areas are watching the Packers right now, I chose to talk the dog instead. We stepped outside into above 30 degree weather, a warm break from the frozen temperatures of only a week ago.
I was finally able to breathe freely. And relax. My brain slowed to a crawl and I appreciated the easy simplicity of animals. Just Morrie and I walking. His tongue lolled from his mouth as he trots to keep pace with me. I slow down. Now we are both walking and I appreciate my surroundings. The traffic noise is minimal. No cars in sight, which is unusual living so close to a highway. The only thing I can hear is a bird cawing if I strain my ears. Otherwise, the world is lovingly silent. The outside world has considerately traded its noises and distractions for the sounds of a television, which is A ok with me and my dog.
We take a quick walk down the road and turn back when we hit the highway.
Nothing spectacular, but that was ok. My brain slowed down and I was able to feel at peace for the first time all day, which was miraculous :)
Ever since I read one of Steve Pavlina's articles about hope (an incredible article), I had been feeling rather glum about my life and my choices. And that, combined with not a lot of sleep, makes for a rather unhappy me.
Nonetheless, the outside world has worked its magic on me, as it usually does, and I enjoyed my walk with my dog immensely. Alone at last, we rule the world!
P. S. We were very sorry to see the Packers lose, though.
Taking advantage of the fact that most of my neighbors and fellow townspeople of Green Bay and surrounding areas are watching the Packers right now, I chose to talk the dog instead. We stepped outside into above 30 degree weather, a warm break from the frozen temperatures of only a week ago.
I was finally able to breathe freely. And relax. My brain slowed to a crawl and I appreciated the easy simplicity of animals. Just Morrie and I walking. His tongue lolled from his mouth as he trots to keep pace with me. I slow down. Now we are both walking and I appreciate my surroundings. The traffic noise is minimal. No cars in sight, which is unusual living so close to a highway. The only thing I can hear is a bird cawing if I strain my ears. Otherwise, the world is lovingly silent. The outside world has considerately traded its noises and distractions for the sounds of a television, which is A ok with me and my dog.
We take a quick walk down the road and turn back when we hit the highway.
Nothing spectacular, but that was ok. My brain slowed down and I was able to feel at peace for the first time all day, which was miraculous :)
Ever since I read one of Steve Pavlina's articles about hope (an incredible article), I had been feeling rather glum about my life and my choices. And that, combined with not a lot of sleep, makes for a rather unhappy me.
Nonetheless, the outside world has worked its magic on me, as it usually does, and I enjoyed my walk with my dog immensely. Alone at last, we rule the world!
P. S. We were very sorry to see the Packers lose, though.
Monday, January 12, 2015
Why Everyone Should Go Paintballing
Pop, pop, pop, pop!
Paintballs burst right above my head, finding themselves splattered on an old oak tree. I grimaced as I crouched deeper beneath my cover. Only me and two other people on me team. It was us against five others.
I surveyed our reality. The team was coming even closer to us, slowly, arching out to swoop in and get us from behind. Basically, we were very close to losing. I looked around and saw that the other team was running, so I quick made a break for it to join my teammate Kelly.
"Any ideas?" I huffed, out of breath.
She coughed, "Yeah, good luck!" And she sprinted away, only to get shot down immediately from who-knows-where. I looked around. I could not see a single teammate anymore. Crap! I shimmied to the edge of my cover and peeked around it.
Pop, pop, pop!
Paintballs flew towards me in a hurry from in front of me. I was boxed in. Crap, crap, crap! I sat down behind my cover, gathering my breath to make a break for another hiding spot. I was just about to run when suddenly a loud voice screamed, "SURRENDER OR DIE!"
"I surrender!" I cried, turning to face my attacker with my arms up.
"Good," he muttered. The ref called her whistle and the game was over. I was the last one left. They had gotten one of my teammates and I hadn't even realized it.
We traipsed back to the re-loading area and gathered ourselves for another round.
*******************************************************************************
Clearly, this is a made-up story and it's been a while since I've played, but you get the gist. I've gone paintballing a few times in my life, and it's made a notable impact on me. So much so, that I believe everyone should go.
I used to be so afraid to paintball. I'd literally be in a game and sit and cower, because I was too afraid to move. My mask would fog up so I was blind and I would have no idea where anyone was and I was afraid to get hurt. It sucked. And then I would wonder why I had even gotten myself into this mess. Nonetheless, whenever anyone asked me to go in the future, I agreed.
Reflecting back on this decision, it was a very good one. Because only after I got shot a few times did I realize that "hey, these don't actually hurt that bad." And I think that is a good lesson for everyone.
Paintballs burst right above my head, finding themselves splattered on an old oak tree. I grimaced as I crouched deeper beneath my cover. Only me and two other people on me team. It was us against five others.
I surveyed our reality. The team was coming even closer to us, slowly, arching out to swoop in and get us from behind. Basically, we were very close to losing. I looked around and saw that the other team was running, so I quick made a break for it to join my teammate Kelly.
"Any ideas?" I huffed, out of breath.
She coughed, "Yeah, good luck!" And she sprinted away, only to get shot down immediately from who-knows-where. I looked around. I could not see a single teammate anymore. Crap! I shimmied to the edge of my cover and peeked around it.
Pop, pop, pop!
Paintballs flew towards me in a hurry from in front of me. I was boxed in. Crap, crap, crap! I sat down behind my cover, gathering my breath to make a break for another hiding spot. I was just about to run when suddenly a loud voice screamed, "SURRENDER OR DIE!"
"I surrender!" I cried, turning to face my attacker with my arms up.
"Good," he muttered. The ref called her whistle and the game was over. I was the last one left. They had gotten one of my teammates and I hadn't even realized it.
We traipsed back to the re-loading area and gathered ourselves for another round.
*******************************************************************************
Clearly, this is a made-up story and it's been a while since I've played, but you get the gist. I've gone paintballing a few times in my life, and it's made a notable impact on me. So much so, that I believe everyone should go.
I used to be so afraid to paintball. I'd literally be in a game and sit and cower, because I was too afraid to move. My mask would fog up so I was blind and I would have no idea where anyone was and I was afraid to get hurt. It sucked. And then I would wonder why I had even gotten myself into this mess. Nonetheless, whenever anyone asked me to go in the future, I agreed.
Reflecting back on this decision, it was a very good one. Because only after I got shot a few times did I realize that "hey, these don't actually hurt that bad." And I think that is a good lesson for everyone.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best, "When a resolute young fellow steps up
to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is
often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only
tied on to scare away the timid adventurers." That is honestly how I view paintball. It's a good metaphor for all of life's risks, because while it seems scary at first, it's just a game! Paintballs really do not hurt that bad!
As such, I was proud of myself for playing and giving it a shot. I found confidence that I didn't know I had. Everyone should give it a try.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Choices are Choices
That may seem obvious, yet for me it was actually a bit of a lesson. It took some doing before I could finally admit that, yes, everything is a choice. And if you have a problem with that statement, like I did, really take a good hard look at yourself.
Because I found myself in that boat. Everything is a choice, sure, that makes sense. Yet when it comes to change, "No, I can't change! I can't stop the negative self-talk! I can't! I would if I could but I can't!" I chose to defend the demons in my head, and those whom I told about said demons believed me as well."Ok, you can't." And thus I got a lot of pity, both from myself and the other person.
But this other person is also phenomenally endowed with a wonderfully healthy outlook on life, for the most part, and so could not understand at all what it is like to have a voice in your head that berates you, or even to dislike yourself. It was a foreign concept to him. And this really struck me as incredible. I thought angry voices in your head was universal, but he showed me otherwise.
As I sat outside on my porch today to get a refreshing dose of Vitamin D, I suddenly remembered a story outside my RA's door at college. In it, a child remarks that he has two wolves fighting inside him. One is good, and one is evil, and he asks his grandpa which wolf will win. The grandpa replies, "The one you feed." And so, in my situation, it dawned on me that I was feeding the bad wolf. I was actually defending his existence! The horror. . . . So I asked myself, "What if the voice wasn't real? What if there was no angry voice?" And a sudden peace sprang up within me.
I wasn't resisting the voice, like I had in the past. I wasn't yelling at it, or threatening it, or attempting to reason with it. (Though, all are previously tried attempts.) I was simply discovering that having a voice like this is my CHOICE on some level at least.
Leafing through Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of Now I found a quote that reinforced what I was discovering. "Would you choose unhappiness? If you did not choose it, how did it arise? What is its purpose? Who is keeping it alive? You say that you are conscious of your unhappy feelings, but the truth is that you are identified with them and keep the process alive through compulsive thinking All that is unconscious. If you were conscious, that is to say totally present in the Now, all negativity would dissolve almost instantly. It could not survive in your presence" (211).
So, huh. Would I choose unhappiness? Well, of course not. Who wants to be unhappy? Then, why wasn't I making another choice? Well, I am conscious enough to realize that on some level, I do want the unhappiness. I haven't fully read any of Tolle's books, but I believe that he would call that desire either the pain-body's or the ego's, I'm unsure which, but nonetheless, it is from some entity that is not me.
I have looked into changing my level of consciousness quite a bit as well on Steve Pavlina's blog. He has some wonderful articles about it, as well as very useful exercises that leave you feeling fantastic, but I found that my motivation to do them was very low, since as I mentioned, one some level, I am still attached to the pain.
But, what pain? Do I really desire to be in pain? Do I really desire to be stuck? Again, of course not. Being in a fear-mindset is very easy, growing is hard. But it is entirely possible. And I know I will forget this from time to time, but I choose to believe that I can be happy, I can change . . . Ha! Ironically, even choosing that belief now IS change.
Well, whaddaya know? That wasn't so hard :)
Love, Erica
Because I found myself in that boat. Everything is a choice, sure, that makes sense. Yet when it comes to change, "No, I can't change! I can't stop the negative self-talk! I can't! I would if I could but I can't!" I chose to defend the demons in my head, and those whom I told about said demons believed me as well."Ok, you can't." And thus I got a lot of pity, both from myself and the other person.
But this other person is also phenomenally endowed with a wonderfully healthy outlook on life, for the most part, and so could not understand at all what it is like to have a voice in your head that berates you, or even to dislike yourself. It was a foreign concept to him. And this really struck me as incredible. I thought angry voices in your head was universal, but he showed me otherwise.
As I sat outside on my porch today to get a refreshing dose of Vitamin D, I suddenly remembered a story outside my RA's door at college. In it, a child remarks that he has two wolves fighting inside him. One is good, and one is evil, and he asks his grandpa which wolf will win. The grandpa replies, "The one you feed." And so, in my situation, it dawned on me that I was feeding the bad wolf. I was actually defending his existence! The horror. . . . So I asked myself, "What if the voice wasn't real? What if there was no angry voice?" And a sudden peace sprang up within me.
I wasn't resisting the voice, like I had in the past. I wasn't yelling at it, or threatening it, or attempting to reason with it. (Though, all are previously tried attempts.) I was simply discovering that having a voice like this is my CHOICE on some level at least.
Leafing through Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of Now I found a quote that reinforced what I was discovering. "Would you choose unhappiness? If you did not choose it, how did it arise? What is its purpose? Who is keeping it alive? You say that you are conscious of your unhappy feelings, but the truth is that you are identified with them and keep the process alive through compulsive thinking All that is unconscious. If you were conscious, that is to say totally present in the Now, all negativity would dissolve almost instantly. It could not survive in your presence" (211).
So, huh. Would I choose unhappiness? Well, of course not. Who wants to be unhappy? Then, why wasn't I making another choice? Well, I am conscious enough to realize that on some level, I do want the unhappiness. I haven't fully read any of Tolle's books, but I believe that he would call that desire either the pain-body's or the ego's, I'm unsure which, but nonetheless, it is from some entity that is not me.
I have looked into changing my level of consciousness quite a bit as well on Steve Pavlina's blog. He has some wonderful articles about it, as well as very useful exercises that leave you feeling fantastic, but I found that my motivation to do them was very low, since as I mentioned, one some level, I am still attached to the pain.
But, what pain? Do I really desire to be in pain? Do I really desire to be stuck? Again, of course not. Being in a fear-mindset is very easy, growing is hard. But it is entirely possible. And I know I will forget this from time to time, but I choose to believe that I can be happy, I can change . . . Ha! Ironically, even choosing that belief now IS change.
Well, whaddaya know? That wasn't so hard :)
Love, Erica
Friday, August 2, 2013
Truth Is . . .
Hi! Long time no see . . . So I decided to do this thing on Facebook where I post one truth about myself every day for at least 10 days and I've discovered something . . . when I thought about posting on blogger, I felt a huge resistance . . . Guess what? I actually HATE blogging . . .
I love to journal/ write, don't get me wrong. But for whatever reason, I don't like blogging. It's not fun. I have to sit here and stare at this bright computer screen and spout marvelous ideas that will get me followers (or so it seems) . . . it's not my idea of fun. . . .
So, I think I'm done. I give myself permission to never post again until I want to. If I ever want to.
I'm sure you'll hear from me again, though, if not through this blog, then in another form. . .
Because I have plans in the making ;)
Toodles!
Love,
Erica
I love to journal/ write, don't get me wrong. But for whatever reason, I don't like blogging. It's not fun. I have to sit here and stare at this bright computer screen and spout marvelous ideas that will get me followers (or so it seems) . . . it's not my idea of fun. . . .
So, I think I'm done. I give myself permission to never post again until I want to. If I ever want to.
I'm sure you'll hear from me again, though, if not through this blog, then in another form. . .
Because I have plans in the making ;)
Toodles!
Love,
Erica
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
The Passion Trap
"Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."
For me, finding my passion is exactly the same. See, until recently, I had a belief that I couldn't be happy until I had found my passion. However, that is obviously not true! Yet I can't tell you how long I believed in that belief! I somehow thought that if I just woke up one morning and knew "the thing" that I loved and always would love, that my life would flip itself right side up and become marvelous. But I am slowly discovering that that is not how my life works. I have never had any huge wake-up calls in the form of external events (like deaths of a loved one, being fired, being on fire, etc). Changes in my life have always occurred as a result of slow changes due to a realization on my part. Exactly like this post here! Not saying that I won't ever get one, just that I have never had any to date.
So I am proud to say that I am no longer stuck in the passion trap :) I am no longer making my happiness dependent on whether or not I find this mythical 'passion.' Because it really is not a big deal. I have plenty of things that I love in my life, and who cares whether or not any of them is 'my passion?' I could have (and likely do have) plenty of passions and that's ok.
If anyone else is struggling with discovering your passion as well, I invite you to take some time off and stop using the word passion. By all means, do some introspection and think about what you love, but don't get hung up on the word or the exact result. It's not worth it, I promise ;)
Passionately "passion"-less,
Erica
For me, finding my passion is exactly the same. See, until recently, I had a belief that I couldn't be happy until I had found my passion. However, that is obviously not true! Yet I can't tell you how long I believed in that belief! I somehow thought that if I just woke up one morning and knew "the thing" that I loved and always would love, that my life would flip itself right side up and become marvelous. But I am slowly discovering that that is not how my life works. I have never had any huge wake-up calls in the form of external events (like deaths of a loved one, being fired, being on fire, etc). Changes in my life have always occurred as a result of slow changes due to a realization on my part. Exactly like this post here! Not saying that I won't ever get one, just that I have never had any to date.
So I am proud to say that I am no longer stuck in the passion trap :) I am no longer making my happiness dependent on whether or not I find this mythical 'passion.' Because it really is not a big deal. I have plenty of things that I love in my life, and who cares whether or not any of them is 'my passion?' I could have (and likely do have) plenty of passions and that's ok.
If anyone else is struggling with discovering your passion as well, I invite you to take some time off and stop using the word passion. By all means, do some introspection and think about what you love, but don't get hung up on the word or the exact result. It's not worth it, I promise ;)
Passionately "passion"-less,
Erica
Friday, June 14, 2013
Attacked by a Gremlin
Yes, it is true. I have been attacked. But not by any normal creature like a dog or cat. No. I have been attacked by a gremlin. While not a real creature, in the sense that it is invisible, it is incredibly cunning. It lives inside my head and heads up frequent attacks of self-doubt and 'shoulds' and insults.
It is not my friend. And nor do I want to make it one. However, I do wish to make peace with it. According to the Master's Course (where I will learn in depth about gremlins), everyone has a gremlin. And I am so proud to be able to say that the course is teaching me to feel when I'm being attacked by it. Before I thought it was a part of me, but now I realize that it's not. When I feel really unsure or hateful or unhappy, many times it's not me that's unhappy, but my gremlin.
Note: My gremlin is named Lyle and he's a crocodile, because I heard that somewhere and said "ha! That's mine!" But I have also heard people reference their inner child as another term for the same thing, so I decided to have a little child too named Cami. Sometimes it helps me to picture a child throwing a fit, other times I like to imagine Lyle rearing his ugly snout.
Just now, Cami had a huge tantrum. She was throwing things and begging me and threatening all at once, and I took a step back and said "wow, this really doesn't feel good." See, another tool I have learned is the "hell yeah" vs "hell no." I was presented with the option of going shooting today, which sounded cool, but the person immediately emphasized that it's super muddy and the mosquitos were going to be vicious. So my first instinct was "hell no." I get bit up like crazy, and I'd rather go on a less mosquito full day.
I noted this immediate reaction and decided to stick with it. But it's so interesting, as the time came when everyone was preparing to go, I could feel the pressure mounting on me that I should go to.
Cami had all of her usual tricks going: "You're being dumb. Just go. You know you want to. Everyone else is going. What are you gonna do at home for 3 hours by yourself? This opportunity doesn't come around every day you know." To top it all off as well, my uncle jokingly calls me a wimp and my head was screaming "ahh!"And as everyone but me piled into the car, I felt incredibly anxious. "What am I doing? Why don't I just go?" I was so tempted to ask them to wait for me right at the last second. But I knew it wasn't what I wanted. It was what my people-pleasing gremlin wanted.
"Oh, don't think I'm a wimp! Wait! I'll go!" it shrieked in my head.
But honestly, I'm the only one I have to please. And my first thought was "you know? I could use a break. I've been around people constantly for about a day now and I'd like some down time. It doesn't matter what they think of me. They're not me."
So, here I am writing a blog post comfortably from my living room :) I was able to say no. My stomach is pretty tense and my brain hasn't quite calmed down yet, but it's definitely progress.
As the Master's Course has emphasized, the ideal is to be able to honestly say "I love myself NO MATTER WHAT." Love should not be conditional. I want to get rid of the "Well, I'll love you Erica, but only if you go on this shooting trip. And wear these clothes. And be the perfect host. And blah blah blah." No. Screw that. I am perfect AS I AM. And I have choices. While I do want to go shooting this summer, I do not have to beat myself up about choosing not to right now. There will be other times.
I give myself permission to do what I want. I give myself permission to reject people's opinions of me. I give myself permission to love myself even though I didn't go shooting. I give myself permission to do what is the most delicious thing for me at this time :) That's really what it comes down to.
And at this moment, writing a blog post is the most delicious thing I can think of :) It's helping me to calm down. Because I am the kind of person who usually says no to a lot of things, people are used to guilting me into it. And now my gremlin has taken over that role.
It also helped me to think "20 years from now, what would I be most proud that I did right now? Went shooting or stayed home?" And to me, since I knew staying home was what I really want, I would rather listen to myself than fulfill a goal on a list.
However, my gremlin still hasn't totally calmed down. I can fill this graspy energy whenever I think of my uncle now. I feel like I have to prove to him now that I'm not a wimp, since he called me one. People-pleasing at its finest ;)
Ha! Ok, I am now finishing this post exactly an hour and a half later than when I started it. . . Well, I know why I wanted to stay home . . . I just had a fascinating conversation with my mom that really fulfilled me :) So, listening to what I wanted turned out awesomely!
Life is wonderful! And everything happens for a reason ;)
Love,
Erica
It is not my friend. And nor do I want to make it one. However, I do wish to make peace with it. According to the Master's Course (where I will learn in depth about gremlins), everyone has a gremlin. And I am so proud to be able to say that the course is teaching me to feel when I'm being attacked by it. Before I thought it was a part of me, but now I realize that it's not. When I feel really unsure or hateful or unhappy, many times it's not me that's unhappy, but my gremlin.
Note: My gremlin is named Lyle and he's a crocodile, because I heard that somewhere and said "ha! That's mine!" But I have also heard people reference their inner child as another term for the same thing, so I decided to have a little child too named Cami. Sometimes it helps me to picture a child throwing a fit, other times I like to imagine Lyle rearing his ugly snout.
Just now, Cami had a huge tantrum. She was throwing things and begging me and threatening all at once, and I took a step back and said "wow, this really doesn't feel good." See, another tool I have learned is the "hell yeah" vs "hell no." I was presented with the option of going shooting today, which sounded cool, but the person immediately emphasized that it's super muddy and the mosquitos were going to be vicious. So my first instinct was "hell no." I get bit up like crazy, and I'd rather go on a less mosquito full day.
I noted this immediate reaction and decided to stick with it. But it's so interesting, as the time came when everyone was preparing to go, I could feel the pressure mounting on me that I should go to.
Cami had all of her usual tricks going: "You're being dumb. Just go. You know you want to. Everyone else is going. What are you gonna do at home for 3 hours by yourself? This opportunity doesn't come around every day you know." To top it all off as well, my uncle jokingly calls me a wimp and my head was screaming "ahh!"And as everyone but me piled into the car, I felt incredibly anxious. "What am I doing? Why don't I just go?" I was so tempted to ask them to wait for me right at the last second. But I knew it wasn't what I wanted. It was what my people-pleasing gremlin wanted.
"Oh, don't think I'm a wimp! Wait! I'll go!" it shrieked in my head.
But honestly, I'm the only one I have to please. And my first thought was "you know? I could use a break. I've been around people constantly for about a day now and I'd like some down time. It doesn't matter what they think of me. They're not me."
So, here I am writing a blog post comfortably from my living room :) I was able to say no. My stomach is pretty tense and my brain hasn't quite calmed down yet, but it's definitely progress.
As the Master's Course has emphasized, the ideal is to be able to honestly say "I love myself NO MATTER WHAT." Love should not be conditional. I want to get rid of the "Well, I'll love you Erica, but only if you go on this shooting trip. And wear these clothes. And be the perfect host. And blah blah blah." No. Screw that. I am perfect AS I AM. And I have choices. While I do want to go shooting this summer, I do not have to beat myself up about choosing not to right now. There will be other times.
I give myself permission to do what I want. I give myself permission to reject people's opinions of me. I give myself permission to love myself even though I didn't go shooting. I give myself permission to do what is the most delicious thing for me at this time :) That's really what it comes down to.
And at this moment, writing a blog post is the most delicious thing I can think of :) It's helping me to calm down. Because I am the kind of person who usually says no to a lot of things, people are used to guilting me into it. And now my gremlin has taken over that role.
It also helped me to think "20 years from now, what would I be most proud that I did right now? Went shooting or stayed home?" And to me, since I knew staying home was what I really want, I would rather listen to myself than fulfill a goal on a list.
However, my gremlin still hasn't totally calmed down. I can fill this graspy energy whenever I think of my uncle now. I feel like I have to prove to him now that I'm not a wimp, since he called me one. People-pleasing at its finest ;)
Ha! Ok, I am now finishing this post exactly an hour and a half later than when I started it. . . Well, I know why I wanted to stay home . . . I just had a fascinating conversation with my mom that really fulfilled me :) So, listening to what I wanted turned out awesomely!
Life is wonderful! And everything happens for a reason ;)
Love,
Erica
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