LeaderShape Reflection

**I went to LeaderShape, a camp retreat designed to cause us to be better leaders,  during spring break, and was asked to write a paper about my experience. This is what I came up with.**

The first time I wrote this paper, it sounded like this: “Going to LeaderShape has been a one-of-a-kind experience. I have never experienced anything like it before in my life. It really has helped me to grow as a person. I have learned to respect people so much more. I realize now that everyone has a story and that has profoundly shaped the way that I look at people. I used to think that there were “one size fits all” rules for people and how people should act, but I realize now that life and people are much more complicated than I thought before. Everyone is going through something, and everyone is worthy of respect.”

            The second time I wrote this paper, it sounded like this: “Truthfully, it is hard to put into words what LeaderShape meant to me. On one hand, I want to say that it has not changed me. I am still me. But on the other hand, I feel like I am so much more aware. I feel different.

            Today, I went to a mini-conference on campus called “Partners in Movement.” It was all about white privilege and aimed to have conversations about race and discrimination. It was co-run by one of the family facilitators we had at LeaderShape named Amanda Goodenough and one of the staff named Carmen Hetzel. I signed up to go to this program about a week ago and only decided this morning at 11AM that I actually intended to go. Before LeaderShape, I would have never gone to a program like this. Never. Not on a weekend at noon when I would rather be sleeping. I would be casually interested in it, but I would not have actually drove to campus and attended. It was a huge step for me.

            Later this evening, after returning home from the mini-conference, I found myself to be really upset. Putting a word to my feelings, I realized that I was angry. Really angry. Angry at the systems that I have involved myself in and the discrimination that I have perpetuated. The injustices that I have let slip on by as if they mean nothing. Well, they do not mean nothing. So, I let myself rant. I took out a notebook page and just let loose. My pen screamed across the page as I ranted about every injustice people had done to me and I had done as of late. I was left lying on the floor, exhausted, wondering why in the world I was feeling this way. What was wrong with me lately?

            The truth? Nothing. Yet, at the same time, absolutely everything. I felt like a lot of my life has consisted of lies up until this point. All of my relationships with my friends need to change. My family dynamics needs to change. UW-La Crosse needs to change. The implications were overwhelming. Now that my eyes had been opened, they could not unsee what they had seen. We have a lot of work to do. The world, and my life, is very unequal right now.

            And all of these feelings are coming from me. Erica Thiem. The passive, people-pleasing, “A” student, who does not like participating on campus, who is hardly involved in clubs, and hates rocking the boat. Me.

            So, you want to know what people get out of LeaderShape? Why we should keep this program around? Easy. Just pick a word. Passion, integrity, dignity, respect, community, change, anger, truth, love. . . The list goes on and on, but it is all there. I have learned and/or experienced all of these things and more at LeaderShape.

            The third time I wrote this paper, it went like this: “If I had to sum up what I learned from LeaderShape, that would be very, very simple. In a sentence, I learned that I have a voice. A very importance voice and one that deserves to be heard. And if I will just tell the truth about what I see, in the best way that I can, I cannot imagine what kinds of change I can cause in the world. And in this moment, my truth is that I want to thank you. Thank you so much for giving me this experience. It has truly changed my life.

Love of Learning

I have to say, one of the most amazing things in the world is the fact that you can never not learn something out by your horse. I'm serious! I think the only way that could ever happen for me would be if I patted Moose on the head and then left about 2 seconds later. Other than that I always learn something.

So, of course, today was no exception. And the marvelous part was I didn't even do anything! I gave the pony some food and just decided to stay outside with him for a while. So to him I was probably nothing more than a nuisance :) but a thinking nuisance nonetheless. And my thinking brain was busy having BFOs.

I just got outside after reading some very interesting articles on line about self-worth. So this was part of the BFO. Basically, I realized that I have conditional self-worth based on how I look. No wonder I have pretty low self-confidence.

But in being outside by Moose, I had a lot of situations running through my head: trailer-loading, riding, picking his feet up. They all have a lack of respect. So I'm missing the leadership.

BING BING BING! *Flashing lights going off*

There's a connection there. I'm still mulling it over, but basically what I've realized is that I am not the leader, because I am not sure of myself. And when I'm not sure, I lend Moose the leadership. Here's a better way to explain:  instead of being independent, I have made myself co-dependent on him. At least for riding. Because when I'm on his back, I don't feel sure (because I expect him to behave badly), so I tell him "Moose take care of me!" and he goes "Ha! Heck with that!" and takes me for a joy ride.

Hmmm. . . Like I said, still mulling it over, but I think I'm on to something here. There's definitely a connection between my self-confidence and his lack of respect, that's kind of a given, but I've never thought about it like this before, that I was basically handing him the leadership role. We'll see what the next session brings :)

Mom and Bella's Breakthrough

I'm pretty psyched for mom right now. We went out today to play with the horses, and I decided to try to help mom out a little bit. First, we stated out with simulations, me being the horse and her the human. The purpose was so that 1) I can give her feedback, and 2) she can develop better rope handling skills for the 22' line.

And then I told her that she should try hitting a barrel as hard as she could with her CS (carrot stick), and then rub it. I asked her how she felt afterwards, and she said it was interesting, because she could really feel her energy going up and down, and how quickly she needed to adjust it.

So, after doing that, she got her pony and I proceeded to give her a 'lesson' in leadership. Bell was circling, and pretty bored. She was looking outside the circle, waiting for every excuse to stop and play games and such. So, I asked mom to do a change of direction when Bella was walking pretty well. She backed up, and then pointed for Bella to go off the right, but Bella just stood there. I told her to tag her 3x on the neck. Bella swished her tail, and tosses her head, but then trotted (hallelulah! The LBI trots!) off half a circle to the right. Then, she stopped and stared a whole into mom. I told mom to smile, and then turn her back. Bella put her head down, and then licked her lips. I then challenged her to see if she could reel in the rope without looking at Bella. Bella came over, so then she did Friendly, to make sure we still have her confidence.

Then, I had her send her out again. This time Bella looked a little more attentive, but possibly a little unconfident. So, I had her stay more on the passive side, until Bella started messing around with the barrel, saying "look, even this barrel is more interesting than you!" so I knew she was confident again. Then, she sent Bella out, and Bella took about 3 steps before turning and facing. So, she re-sent her again. Same thing. I told Mom to back her up a little bit, because she was too close, and to send her like she was going somwhere, like there is a purpose to all this, because if Mom doesn't think there's a purpose, I doubt Bella's going to either. So, then she sent her out, and Bella went. I had them do a little more change of directions, and then -since Mom was conveniently standing by 2 barrels- I asked her to see if she can stand in the middle of the barrels and do change of directions from there to get Bella to do a figure-8.

I thought it went pretty well. Bella still had the druthers towards me and Moose -since me and him were chilling together- but not that big of a deal. Then, Bella started not coming in to Mom for the change. She's like "I know what happens before what happens happens!" So, I wasn't really sure if that was dominance ("I don't want to come in to you!") or unconfidence ("I can't come in"). I had mom turn her back, and then see if Bella would come in. It took a little prompting, but she eventually did, so I'm thinking it was more dominance-oriented, which will be something to fix for next time.

Then, Mom asked if we should end, but I don't think quite yet, since Bella didn't come to her, that wasn't really a good note to end on. I asked her to do something else with her for a little bit, and she thought of Stick To Me, since they haven't done much of that. Great idea! So, I had to adjust Mom's position a little bit, and give her some concepts with this game. I think this game is really going to help both Mom and Bella. Mom, because the parameters are really good for her, so she really KNOWs how to be a leader here: like she has a specific goal in her mind of what she's looking for, and so it helps her be able to assert herself. It'll help Bella, because then she can see that Mom is a leader, and so it will lend her to being able to do the Circling Game better. Also, I thought it might be good, because then if Bella feels like circles are boring, in Stick To Me, at least you're going somewhere, so there's a purpose right there. And. interestingly enough, we found a problem right away. Bella swishes her tail, tosses her head, and puts her ears back when you go from the walk to the trot. So, first I had to correct Mom's trot, because she started jogging at the same speed she was walking. It was like a human piaffe. So, I had to get the idea ingrained into her head "go somewhere!" Once she started doing that, she got Bella to trot, and then once I told her "Back her up fast" she had to stop and start backing up Bella phase 4. Really good for both of them. Bella licked her lips fast every time. After she did it twice, I noticed that Bella was putting her ears back whenever Mom walked, but I'm not sure if that was sassy or just paying attention, so I just left it alone.

So, yeah, overall a very successful day. I really hope that Mom learned today the benefits of leadership for Bella, because today was the first day she's ever truly Phase 4'ed Bella. Before, she always nagged her, so I'm hoping that this will REALLY open her eyes up to the fact that you can not possibly hit a horse with a CS as hard as another horse could kick, so it's okay to believe in yourself, and mean what you say sometimes, as long as you're not mean or mad. It'll be interesting to see how Bella's behavior is different next time Mom plays with her, and to see how their relationship changes because of it.

The Definition of Leadership

I just audited a level 2/3 clinic by Dave Ellis today - details about the clinic in another post - but I had to talk about my play session with Moose when I got home. He did INCREDIBLE!!!!!!! :-) Like I seriously think that was the best I've ever (so consequently, the best HE's) played.

I was a leader. I didn't think my way through it. I made it simple just like Dave kept repeating: "Make the right thing easy and the wrong thing difficult. That's all it is." And I did just that. I said Moose, let's do this. Moose, let's do that. And I tried doing lots of stuff with the same attitude. "Hey, I didn't ask you to do that." "Honey, I need you to try it." "Thanks for offering, but I want you to do ______ instead." And he woke up like I had slapped him in the face.

I didn't worry about things like I normally do. For instance, whenever I got particular in the past, Moose would start running off in the Circling Game. So, I would say "Well, I must've been too particular with him, and I just need to go slower." This time, I didn't conclude that I'd been too particular. I just said "Don't run off! Don't walk! Don't canter! Just trot." And after 2 laps of gallopping off, then stopping and looking at me, then cantering, then looking at me, then cantering, he got it and gave me a lap of trotting, so I stopped and rewarded him. I just made the wrong thing difficult. "You want to canter? That's great, but right now we're trotting." His Circling got a lot better, too, with the go - woah exercise Dave played with the mule. I just sent Moose off, then immediately looked at his HQ to disengage. Of course, he had going on the brain, so I said "Don't run off, just stop." And so he stopped, and then I sent him and he took off again, and we repeated the same thing over again. Took him like 3 sends before he figured out that just-getting-the-heck-outta-there when I send made it really hard to yield his hindquarters.

But the biggest breakthrough is yet to come. Moose has trouble putting his foot on/in things. If I ask him to put it inside a tire, he won't do it. He always puts it around, and I've gotten him to put it in/on, but he's never offered anything and it took a while. Well, I mentioned this in an older post that we have 2 tractor tires full of dirt right next to each other which can serve as a pedestal/jump/mounting block. Well, he's had issues jumping it, so I wanted to give it a try today. He jumped it fine one way after a few re-sends. Then, I tried the other way, and after a few re-sends, he started pawing the dirt in the tire. So, I let him, since that's progress. Then, I sent him again, and he actually stood on the dirt!!!! That's HUGE!!!!!!!!! Like I was crying tears of joy good, and doing cartwheels good and running-out-of-treats-to-feed-him good. I was so impressed. . . I even unhaltered him standing up there (after I knew that he wasn't going to jump down on me, though). A very ecstatic moment . . . I just had to share!  Savvy on! :P

Honey, I need you to do this

My lesson with Shirley on Wednesday went great! I learned SOO much, it was completely worth it.

Anyways, my lesson was the first one (of 3 total). I decided that I wanted to work on our Circling Game, because Moose can't even make it around half a lap at the WALK before calling it quits. So, Shirley had me show her our HQ driving game first off. I moved his HQ around, and it moved fine, but she pointed out that his feet don't cross over like they should. So, our goal was to get him to cross over 3x in a row. He would do 2x just fine, but he'd cheat on the 3rd, so we ended up going round and round and round for whoever knows how many circles. We did it from both sides, so I'm sure Moose was dizzy by the time we were done.

Afterwards, I showed her our circles. And interestingly enough, Moose took off like a shot when I sent him the first time (he isn't used to having so particular of a leader, so I think it was too much pressure for him), and ran around like a nut  for a little while. (I don't remember the exact order of things after this, just an fyi). I also wanted to play with having Moose jump some barrels, because I could never get him to jump anything. So, while he's running around and not really thinking, he eventually encounters the barrels. At first, he'd swerve around them, then he'd jump them unconfidently, then he'd stop in front of them and ask me a question, so it was a process.

Shirley played with him for a little bit when he was in this  mode (it's not RBE like "I'm gonna die!!", it's more like "can't think, gotta move!"), but I ran in to get some fly spray at that time. When I saw him again, she was playing with yielding his hindquarters.

Then, we did sideways. I'm just starting sideways, so he did pretty well. Then, I showed her my squeeze and we combined the two. I did sideways, and then backed up and did squeeze. Once I got the feel down, Moose did really well. Shirley commented that this exercise is great for horses to learn where their feet are, and to be a little more nimble. I could see his progress, too, because when we started with the HQ driving game, he kept tripping on himself.

Now, I think we did our circling game again along with jumping the barrels. He was circling at the trot without breaking gait, and even jumping the barrels without hesitation! It was wonderful. And he was pulling on me less than the first time, too.

Then, we did Stick to Me, and once Shirley had him go between me and our round pen fence, it got WAY better. He understood to go when I go, and stop when I stop. It was so cool to see him mirror me like that!

And I was pretty surprised by this, but Shirley told me that Moose is not an RBI. She thinks he's actually an LBI, just a pretty mild one. She said half-way through my lesson that she hadn't seen him go Right Brain once during this whole thing! So, I guess I do have to more forward more. I was always going slow for him, because I wante to keep his confidence.

Here's what I learned:

• The title was the theme of all the lessons today


• It's okay to have expectations for Moose


• I need to be a better leader and get Moose through his can't think phase, instead of avoiding it


• Every horse needs a leader, even the self-confident/dominant ones


• It's not rocket science!


• Your horse will show the same amount of enthusiasm that you put in.

Afterwards, 2 other friends had their lessons. Dancer's owner Lisa went first and it was nice to see what Shirley had them do. They started out with Circling Game, too, and then spent the remainder of their time working on Sideways game. Dancer is very dominant, and Shirley had Lisa assert her leadership, but it was a gradual thing versus just fight through it. So, from that session I learned that passive persistence pays off and the importance of defending your space.

Then, another friend named Lisa had a lesson. But in this one, Shirley played with the horse the whole time, but that's because the horse was an untrained 2 year old. The theme of this lesson was that you can't keep babying these horses (see link). Yes, they're untrained. Yes, some of them are untouched. But you have to move past that and treat them like normal horses. Of course, you have to be cautious, but you still have to act like the calm, confident, competent leader that they need.

And a friend took some pictures of Moose and I, so they will be added to this post as soon as I get them!