I guess I should apologize, seeing as I have not posted anything in literally 2 years. Though I doubt it is of utmost importance, so I shall refrain :)
So . . . . 2 years!! A lifetime in some ways.
I have changed a ton! It astounds me to look at my old posts and to see even how incredibly self-critical I have been of myself. No wonder I never had any fun :)
A little update: I am currently at college and am almost done. I actually just had my very last class as a freshman, so I am in the midst of many changes whilst preparing for finals.
Thus, for what reason am I writing a blog right now?
Frankly, because these past few weeks have been the most transformative of my life. If you notice above, I posted that quote by Anais Lin, because it fits me perfectly at the moment. If you have ever read the book Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser (and if not, I highly recommend it), I have and still am going through my own personal Broken Open period right now.
College is an amazing tool, and I have become very reflective as a result. I have relatioships with wonderful friends and professors who really challenge me and the way that I live my life. It is fascinating. Being an intellectual and always looking for self-improvement, my soul rejoices in these conversations. All of my classes this semester have been eye-opening in some way or another, and I really feel changed as a person.
I know that I am not perfect, and I also know that I will never be, but it has really taken me almost all of these 2 years without a horse to kind of find myself. I am still slightly lost, but much less so than I have been. I've realized recently, with amounting pressure to decide on a major, that life really is what I make it. I can be whoever I choose, I just have to decide. And well, even that is kind of a lie. I don't HAVE to decide, technically. There are many options. Ok, better phrasing. I have the choice to pick my major and then the choice to be satisfied with it. Because sooner or later, everyone in college has to pick something. And there is no such thing as a perfect major. Also, I recognize that whatever I pick will be perfect, simply because I have chosen it. So there is much less pressure to find the perfect major.
I have a very strong inner critic who loves to berate me on my choices, because I have come to realize that I am quite a perfectionist in the way that I plan my life. I generally want to have the 'perfect schedule' with the 'perfect major' and graduate in no more than 4 years and get a wonderful job. But life is messy! And while those are wonderful goals to have, they are not always feasible. Do I want to have some sort of direction? Ideally, yes. But there are people who graduate from college with no idea what they want to do, and that is okay too. Do I want to avoid that? Yes. But if it is what happen, then it must happen.
That being said, I do have some interests in mind. Currently, I am a Spanish major and I intend to keep that. So, as of right now I think I shall be a Psychology and Spanish double major with a minor in Communication Studies. However, I am also going to be doing a lot of exploring over the summer to see if that is what I really want.
Because if I want to change it, that's fine. But it gets to a point where I just have to accept that it is what it is. In picking my classes for this semester, I changed my schedule 8 times. 8 times!! That is an insane amount of switching and it caused me a ton of anxiety! Thus, I don't want to do that again. If I need to take time off to figure things out, then I will. But I respect myself now, and my worth as a person.
The biggest thing that I have come away with this semester is self-love. Love yourself for who you are. That is #1. Absolutely #1. Because hating myself is pointless. I cannot be happy with my life if I hate the person who is living it. That is counter-productive and does not make sense. So I have worked really hard to examine my life and work to change my mind. If only you could see my desk right now :) It is littered with post-its all over, entirely devoted to positive self talk. I have found a lot of support from friends and many on line articles as well as a few books that have really changed me. It also helps that I love quotes, and Parelli actually came to me, too, in my journey to heal.
Quotes I can't help but share:
- "It's not about the _________, it's about the relationship" (one of the basic, if not THE basic point of Parelli, all Parelliers have heard it, but have you ever stopped and applied it to yourself? That was a huge revelation for me.)
- "You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it."
- "Happiness is a choice." (I've heard this one many times as well, but it has really sunk in recently.)
- "Feel of, feel for, feel together." (another Parelli-ism, but have you ever applied it to relationships with people?)
- "Forgiveness is a reflection of loving yourself enough to move on." (if you have trouble letting go of things that you blame yourself for, like I do, really think on this one. It'll change you.)
- "Being happy doesn't necessarily mean smiling and skipping around 24 hours a day. It means finding a way to be passionate about what I'm doing or not doing it." -Linda Parelli (this is something I have also thought a lot about in the context of choices and 'get to' vs 'got to.' A lot of time, I will think things like "ugggghhhh I have to go to class,' but I have to examine that thought. Is that true? No one is making me go. The professor doesn't care. So I have to take back that thought. The truth is I chose to be here. I chose to take this class. And I am privileged to have this education. It's a much more positive energy, because it shifts me out of being a victim into being an empowered person, which is much more satisfying.)
- "If not now, when?" (ever thought about this? Now is all you've got . . . .)
- "Life is unfolding exactly as it should."
- "Sanity begins the moment you admit you're powerless over other people."
- "Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment." (then, there are no shoulding or regrets: my psych professor actually quoted someone the other day who said that we have to stop "must-erbating and shoulding all over ourselves." Very clever, but true. If something happened, it must have needed to occur. Or in other words, "what's done is done." So accept it and move on.)
So, with all of this, I have done a lot of soul-searching the past month :) as you might imagine. And I am happy to announce that I actually do see myself as a pretty damn cool person ;) I found this meme on Facebook that I just loved: "I have a problem with low self-esteem, which is really ridiculous when you consider how awesome I am." Haha! That totally fits.
Another huge thing I've learned this year is not to judge. And even that it goes both ways. I've always empathized with victims of situations, but I have to not judge the person causing the bad situation, too. I have no idea what they're going through or why they acted that way, but it is not my place to judge. I have to do my best to be there for either individual, and treat them as I would want to be treated. That is imperative. Accept people for who they are.
I have really seen how important it is to love and accept people for who they are without judgment. It is amazingly important, because we are all important and have gifts to bring to the table. I believe if we didn't have a reason for being here, we wouldn't be. So then, everyone has something important to contribute, and everyone has lessons to teach me if I will be humble enough to listen. I'm not perfect, by any means, but I will try my best to be there for people and love them as they are. That's a promise :)
Lastly, I just want to touch on Parelli. I looked back and re-read my post entitled Clarity and I really do think I was on to something there, it has just taken me this long for it to really sink in. See, I rarely ever cry, but as a result of this transformation that I'm going through, I've been much more emotional than I normally am. It's kind of exciting actually :) So as a result, I got to thinking last weekend about Moose. I have never cried over not having him, or even mourned his loss or anything. Once I sold him, I thanked God that he was off my hands and I moved on with my life. But I completely ignored the fact that he was, quite literally, my best friend for 2 years of my life. I had sold my best friend. And so the tears finally came :) I do not feel ashamed of selling him, because I know that it had to be done. I was much too busy and had things to figure out about me, and I did not have the capacity to have a horse at the time. So I accept that it had to happen. And I also accept that he is no longer mine. He was an amazing mirror and will always have a special place in my heart :)
Anyways, after my cry about Moose, it did get me thinking. And I am being very gentle with myself on the topic, but I am wondering about Parelli. Horses are a big commitment, and I know that I love them. But then, I also have to admit that I am scared of them. I have been ashamed to admit it, but I had fear issues with Moose even.
Haha, I apologize. My thinking is quite sporadic (typical RBE for ya haha). My point originally in bringing up the post Clarity in the last paragraph was to talk about freedom. I mention this horse I rode in 4th grade named Johnny where I was cantering and I felt free. I want that feeling back. And I accept that I could find it in other manners, possibly, but I am playing with how much heart and desire I have towards horses. Thus, I have to be honest with myself and acknowledge that horses are a big commitment, but I'm leaving the door open to whatever I decide.
They have been in and out of my life for years. I get into horses, I get out. But I know that I love them. They are beautiful creatures. I love people and I love animals. But I just am waiting until I know what feels right to me. If I get back into horses, I am going to do so because I want to, because it's fun, and because I love my horse and want to do right by him. I want to do things right. And I am going to respect myself too. I actually made a list of the ideas that scare me:
- Electric fences (my horse touching them while riding/ on line)
- Other horses near my horse (what if my horse reacts poorly? so alpha horses = scary in particular)
- My horse leading too far behind me (what if I get run over)
- Getting my foot caught in the stirrup and getting drug
- Saddling up my horse poorly and he is uncomfortable
- My horse stepping on his lead rope and freaking out (like Moose did)
- Sitting on the ground near my horse (what if I'm stepped on/ can’t get out of the way)
- Being out of control in general (More specifically, I feel out of control when 1 rein riding/ no rein riding: ok, I feel out of control when riding in general, which could be solved through a focus on getting my balance better)
- Being outside of our pasture with my horse
It's pretty extensive. And none of these ideas make me panic or sweat or anything, I just feel uncomfortable. But it is still fear. It would still cause me to be an ineffective leader for my horse. It is a mix of safety and trust issues, and I recognize as well that horses will always be horses and if I want to get back into the Parelli world, I do have to accept this fact. There will never be zero risk in being around horses. They are prey animals and accidents do happen. However, I also have a lot of control over my confidence and the situations that I expose myself to. If I want this, I could overcome it.
And to be honest with you, I feel like I do want it. I really do want that connection with a horse. That look and loving acceptance that tells you you're doing something right. That permission to be myself and not be judged. And the opportunity to grow even more as a person. I'm just so afraid of believing in myself, because I'm afraid of failing. What if I can't ever get over these fears? What if I am doomed to be the person stuck on the sidelines forever, loving horses from a distance? Or what if I get into horses again and decide that I want out immediately?
Tons of what-ifs. "Breathe, Erica. You know in your heart what you want." And I do. But fear is scary. It involves opening up and believing and exposing myself to risk. It's stepping outside of my comfort zone. And my logical brain would like to chip in here and add that "failure is good, that's how you learn." If I get back into horses, even a little bit and I can't get over these fears, so be it. I will have gained immense knowledge of myself and who I am. So it won't be for nothing. I will just feel like I have failed, but I can overcome that. Failure is learning, it's nothing to be afraid of.
On the other hand, what if I succeed? What if I get over all of these fears? What if I actually can accomplish my dream? What if I can get to canter, safely and with trust? What if I can develop an independent seat and be respected as a rider? What if I can be so much fun for my horse that he can't wait to be with me? And what if I can have so much fun with my horse that I'm no longer afraid? What if I could do that?
Hmmmm . . . . Lots to think about, for sure. I'll update again when I next feel like sharing :)
Until then, have a good one!!
--Erica
