Clarity

While I admit it is very strange to not have a horse in the pasture, it has given me a form of clarity that I didn't have before. The day we sold Moose, I went with my neighbors to look at a prospect for them. The visit went well, and they decided they are going to buy the horse. And so then came all the excitement and jitters of having something new, all the good feelings associated with horses. This is not new to me, but the thoughts that ensued were. My neighbors were then thinking of going camping with this horse, and DOING STUFF. While this might sound like common sense, to me it was an almost radical thought. DO STUFF with your horse? Woah. Who'da thunk?

And so I realize that I had lost the fun with my horse. He was not fun. He was more of code I was intent on cracking. It was an obsession, and obsessions are not fun. Yes, we made progress, but it was never fun. I got asked in the last few months of having Moose, why? Why did i put so much effort in? And to be honest, I didn't know. If something isn't fun, why do it?

Well, I believe the answer to that question is that it WAS fun, just to someone else. I had gotten so caught up in my idols' path that I was pursuing their dreams without even realizing it. Heck, I had tricked myself into thinking these were MY ideas even.

So while it is bittersweet to let Moose go, it has already given me a good lesson. So while in the future I may get another horse, I have learned I want it to be fun. That is the bottom line. I was always kind of timid of Moose, but I didn't need to be. I could have gotten a nice horse that was easy to ride. Because to me, that IS the fun.

I remember taking lessons in 4th grade with a trainer. Once a week, we went out to her stable, and there was this horse their named Johnny. Older gelding, all black, he was a pretty boy. But he was perfectly mannered. As a young child, I loved that horse. He made me feel safe. I remember riding him, and cantering around the trainer's pen and feeling pure joy, just bliss. That was probably the best time I ever had on a horse. And I have never had another experience of that caliber, nor felt that safe on a horse since.

As we were riding home from looking at this horse, my neighbor just casually said "I remember what it was like to have fun." And it was amazing! I mean, what happened? Where did we go wrong?

A good question. But it's not worth focusing on the past. A better question would be "how can I have more fun today?"

Pondering this . . .

If I have learned anything these past few months. . .

It's this:

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

I have discovered that my dream has changed. I no longer feel the need to have a horse in my life. It's a very interesting thing to get used to, but I am choosing to have faith. It scares me to not have a direction to pursue, but I am instead choosing to trust that there is something even better out there for me.

This is MY Life

Been working a lot recently, so just went outside with the horse today to play for the first time in about a month. Had a good time, really learned a lot. Few thing that I learned today:

1. Fix one thing at a time. If we're playing with some maneuver and some other game breaks, fix that FIRST and then go back to what you're doing. I have a habit of just trying to make it all work.
2. I treat Moose a lot like how I DON'T want to be treated: someone with a lot of expectations that is never satisfied. Just a "how interesting!"
3. Need a lot of Friendly Game with me on his back, just hanging out. I want to get to where he likes me being up there.
4. He has gotten SOOOOO much better at cantering! He read my mind actually. I asked him to trot, and he went and cantered a lap. It was amazing! I think this month off has really gotten him used to cantering around the pasture a bit, because it was so much easier for him today than it normally is.

I also has a huge BFO yesterday, Easter of all days. I had a really nice Easter, hope you all did as well. :) So, when I went home I started ranting about relationship issues with a friend of mine. And I got really angry. For the record, I am rarely ever angry. I hopped on the computer and started talking to a friend of mine and had a huge realization. Basically, I need to, and it's ok to, set boundaries with people. In horse terms, I don't ever phase 4 my friends! Ever! This was huge to me. I basically let people walk all over me. So here is what I leaned from that night:

• I need to set boundaries with people.
• Be gentle without being a wimp, but be firm without being mean or mad.
• I can be firm and that’ll be ok. I don’t have to be a dictator, but it’s perfectly alright to have expectations of people.
• Whatever happens, happens.
• I CAN NOT control what others think of me. That is out of my control. So there is no use adjusting my actions for an expected response from someone.
• It’s OK to have people mad at me. That’s alright. In fact it may be healthy. I can’t control them. But I can stand up for myself. And it’s ok to do that. (I hate it when people are mad at me)
• I have the POWER to change my life
• I don’t have to put up with this kind of stuff from people. I can expect things from people and that’s ok. At the moment, people walk all over me.
• It’s a respect issue. I’m afraid to phase 4 ppl because I don’t want to hurt their feelings. But I need to do this sometimes for my own sake. This is MY life. Not theirs.

Very good realizations overall. Today, after this idea has had a quick smidgeon of time to settle in, it's been interesting to see how I have already applied it. I already feel more satisfied with myself, and a lot happier. I told my friend that I would like them to step it up a little bit, and so far no response, but I feel much better. Time for me to put myself first.

Enjoy the nice weather today everyone! :)

Have fun horsin around! :)

Thinking Abounds

I never finished my above story. Basically, I was out with Moose for about 15 mins, and it was so awesome all that he taught me. He basically showed me that I was treating him as a mirror image of a guy I have recently been talking to. Just awesome stuff. It hit me like a slap in the face haha.

And then today, I realized something else. I've been on a slippery slope with one of my friends recently, and today it came to me that I wasn't treating her right. One of the Parelli-isms I've heard before is that the horse is perfect, it's us that have to change. And this was exactly what I was doing the opposite of. I kept telling her to change and she was getting sick of it. And all of a sudden, bam, haha oops I'm sorry. So I apologized and things should improve between us. She may not be a horse, or a horse-friend, but Parelli really does apply itself to life in so many different ways.

Ladies and Gentleman

I had something of another huge realization today. PUT THE RELATIONSHIP FIRST! This is so huge, such a huge principle, yet somehow I forgot about it.

In all of my relationship with my horse, I've felt pressured. Always. Ever since I told everyone I want to be a horse trainer, I've been pressured. Pressured to be someone I'm not, and do something I could not do. So, I ended up not liking myself very much. "I must not be good enough, someone else should try." "Well, maybe this person will help me figure it out." "I don't know the problem, I've tried, why can't anyone help me?!?"

I took it out on others. I knew the answer inside, but I wouldn't let myself find it. I realize today that I'm very very good at lying to myself. I'm an expert at denial/ focusing on the problem. "Oh, no, I'm not doing that at all." "But you see, here's why that won't work." etc.

I've lost the fun of it all. Because I've been on a time-line. I've said Moose, by X time we need to be doing A, B, C and you're going to love it! And X = yesterday. See how that doesn't compute? :) I forgot about the rapport. It went out the window. I've literally forgot to be my horse's friend, first and foremost. I've been so focused on progress that I didn't even acknowledge his opinion.

And this is where the lying to myself part comes in. I'd approach Moose, he'd look like he was going to leave, so I'd go "no no no, you don't have to leave." And proceed to halter him. My horse was telling me "no" but in my mind, I was thinking "well he's not doing anything drastic, I must be doing alright." And well he wasn't. But that's why it's the little things that count the most.

And I also just realized I shouldn't berate myself like this. I have a realization and then I go "holy smokes look how terrible I've been" but that doesn't help my confidence level either (and thinking about it, I think I do this a lot, actually). I'm not going to erase all I've typed above, else I wouldn't rewrite it, but I'm going to look at things in a more positive light from now on. The above isn't very healthy, especially for a positive, progressive and natural blog.

With that in mind: So, what did I learn today?

• It's not about the ______, it's about the RELATIONSHIP
• My horse is my mirror
• This is a partnership
• Rapport, Respect, Impulsion, Flexion - I have to be my horse's FRIEND first and foremost, and this goes for any horse.
• Respect my horse - the point of this program is to give them a voice, so you know how to be a better person.
• I have to get the 'want to.'
• Cause your ideas to be your horse's ideas, but UNDERSTAND your horse's ideas first.
• I thought of Monty Roberts as well, how he claimed if you do things right by a horse, he would rather be with you than his buddies."If you love him, set him free. If he comes back to you, he's yours. If he doesn't, it wasn't mean to be."
• Match his energy plus 4 oz.
• ACCEPT where I'm at.
• Being with my horse means just that. BEING. Not wishing, or wanting, or impatienting. BEING.
• Friendly game with your horse is the human equivalent of talking, getting to know someone. That's why it's so important.
• Goals are good, but not so high that they aren't achievable. Don't expect too much. Have a plan, but be adaptable. For me, high expectations are something to steer clear of right now.

I'll let you know if I think of any more. But look how much is to be learned in 15 mins!! And I didn't even get to the relation to human life :)

Questions and Answers

Today went well. We got a huge storm the other day, so our ground is sadly covered with snow again. I've been struggling with interpreting some horsemanship advice I got from a friend regarding picking up Moose's feet, so I haven't played with that since early last week.

Here is a snippet of the e-mail I received:

When I look at your situation, there are a few Parelli-isms that come to mind that I think would be useful for you to ponder.

#1) "If your horse says 'no', you either asked the wrong question, or you asked the question wrong."

#2) "Do your thinking at night, and your feeling during the day."

#3) "It's not about the_______"

#4) Pat's definition of Respect: The Appropriate response to the appropriate application of pressure.

#5) Isolate, Separate, and Recombine

What I'd be looking to is what am I doing to cause this? What is it in ME that is causing my horse to react the way he is? Remember that the horse is perfect, it's up to us to help him understand what we want.

That being said, I think you're right on, in that it's a respect thing. But looking through that filter, what is it that you're doing to cause the disrespectful response?

Another filter to look through is that of the 8 Principles.  Have you ever actually sat down and read them and taken into account what they mean? Massively deep stuff. And usually, if there's something amiss in the partnership, it's rooted in one of the 8 Principles. That's why this program is so genius. It's categorically put into a system (Pat's an LBI, can ya tell? Ha!) that you can use to filter your results (or lack thereof).

Yet another way to look at it is through the 7 games. Which game is broken? How can I help that game become better while remaining in a leadership position and putting the relationship first?
So I've had this congregating in the back of my mind for about a week now, with not a lot of luck.

I wasn't really sure what I was going to do with Moose today.We ended up playing a lot of touch it. It went really well. I revved up my leadership skills a little bit, and got some nice ears forward from Moose and a very lovely responsive horse as well. But then it got wierd, because as things were really nice, ALL OF A SUDDEN FOR NO REASON AT ALL he decided to canter around like a mad man. Now I had had a thought in my head to have him circle at a trot, and see if he would canter right before he started doing this. So, I am not sure if he s reading my mind or this was a form of freak out. Because my options are either A) RB panic attack or B) LB temper tantrum. He didn't look RB, so that's not it. So, either he was reading my mind, or it was a temper tantrum. But, it's funny, because I broke down for a minute there. "My poor horse, what have I done to you? Now you probably hate me!" So I started to get all sad and was thinking I would probably have to stop playing with him, because I was becoming helpless. But, Parelli came to my rescue. I remembered a quote I had been reminded to think about in the e-mail above: "Do you feeling during the day, your thinking at night." Oops. I was thinking. (Haha bad Erica bad). I then just chalked his behavior up to "how interesting!" and moved on.

Anyways, it was the reminder I needed. I perked right back up and realized I was making a big fuss out of nothing. I backed him up, and he was the lightest he's EVER been with his ears forward. I have got to be doing something right. So we did sideways along the fence and I had a realization. One of the things that might help our freestyle is getting our sideways better. If he can maintain the bend in his body where I ask, it's much more likely I'll be able to direct him where I want him to go. So I figure I should start being more particular about that and see where that takes us.

And then the farrier came and did Moose's feet. I found out it wouldn't be a good idea to get Moose shod, instead it'd be best just to buy him boots. And I asked her about a crack in his foot that had made him lame before (it was a cut growing out) and she said not to worry about it. So I'm happy to hear that. Also, I asked her about a lump he has on his throat that's concerned me for some time, and she said not to worry about it as well. Probably just ask the vet. And I looked up some information about it and it doesn't seem very serious. Which is definitely good news.

Change for the better

So I've been having some super huge revelations recently, in regards to my whole life, and I can tell a major change is happening around me right now. I'm going through that time where I'm finally starting to really GET it. It's taken 4 years, and I'm finally turning loose to the program.

I don't feel like blogging right now or I'd tell you more. Hopefully sometime I'll fill you in. But know that's what's going on at the moment.