Announcement!

Since half of the blog started to become about writing, I've decided to make a writing blog in addition to this one. So, for all interested, you can find that here. I will update about my story, and any breakthroughs I have with it there, to keep things a little simpler. I just made it tonight though, so don't expect anything special. And don't worry about the title of the blog, I'll explain in due time.

In the mean time, I'm pretty pumped about my trip. I've been learning a lot about myself, and so am excited to go play with Moose sometime this weekend. I guess you could say I'm re-inventing myself to him. I want to be the best me I can be, and I hadn't been that person in the past. Well, one of the things Farrah requested happen before I see her this summer was that I pass my Level 1, so I want to be a new person and go do that. My original plan to save some money was to wait until I could film my Level 2 On Line, and just get that to skip the Level 1, but ah well, it'll make me feel good to get it anyways.

And the pad is coming on June 1st! I'm very excited to try it out, hopefully it'll help out immensely with our saddling troubles. It's coming with shims, too, so I get to play around with that. I'm very excited to see all these thigns coming together, I feel like I'm almost on the brink of a breakthrough. I'm becoming a better person, I've got a Theraflex pad, my story just took off, and I'm going to Farrah's soon to learn even more. I'm pretty psyched. Things are looking up.

New Stuff

I'm now earning some cash for my stay at Farrah's this summer. Thank god, because I was getting quite scared. I only had a month and a half and I need some extra dough.

Especially since I just bought a Theraflex pad! Finally, right?!? I've been wanting one for quite some time, and I know one of the things we're going to be working on is gaining confidence while riding. And since I'm going to attempt to bring Moose with me, I need a pad I trust. So, I broke down and just bought one. So much for waiting until I could find one for $150, lol. But I did get a good deal, don't get me wrong, it was just a bad time to spend money when I'm trying to save up right now. But yeah, steps in the right order.

Also, I've realized I still have some soul searching to do. I'm not completely out of the fire yet. I've come to terms with a lot of things, but I still have trouble with the horses. I found a blog post yesterday by Lea, where she talked about patience. She said she's been reading one of Mark Rashid's books and in it he says patience is

1.the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

2.an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay

This is exactly what I need to learn to be, is patient. When I normally think of patient, I think of almost persevering, like waiting for an answer, not pushing, stuff like that. In life outside of horses, sometimes I'm really good at that. Other times not. So, I think this is what I need to learn to do. I need to learn who to be out with the horses, because I'm just a frustrated mess outside. Things bug me so easily, I can't quite put my finger on it. I said in that super long post I wanted to be friends with them, I was going to start over, but I don't know, I have so much trouble with this. It's not that I have a really "normal" background with horses or anything in my past that would make this hard. It's just there seems to be some resistance in my brain that says "You have to do what I want." I don't listen to the horses, I try to but I don't know. 

I'm sorry I can't explain this and this is all ranting. I've been up against this issue for the longest time, and it won't change and I'm not sure how to get it to change. I have a feeling I'm going to have to be backed up against a wall with Moose and forced to trust him. That might be a pattern in my life. Idk.

I took gymnastics a few years ago. It was a general class, me and about 5 other girls would switch off from the uneven bars to vaulting to even bars to mats. Well, on this particular day, we were on the mats practicing tumbling exercises. Our instructor was showing us how to do back-bends. At this point in my life, I could do them fine from the ground, and then going up into one. But I could never do them standing up and then landing on my hands. I wanted to, but I was scared I was going to fall onto my head. I was also very insecure about my spotters, so I wouldn't even attempt one. Well, it was 'required' we do back-bends as part of an assessment, so the instructor brought another instructor over, and they both spotted me and whaddaya know? I did it! Not without them catching me the first 2 times, but hey I got the hang of it pretty quickly, and it was actually fun. I would do them constantly from then on, showing off my 'mad skills'. But it took that kind of "look, you'll be fine, just do it" attitude from the instructors to push me over the edge to try it. And it was fine. I think that's the same thing that needs to happen with Moose. 

SO. . . After my *Cough* 6 week Hiatus

From this blog, no not quite, but from horse life. Yes, I will admit it. I wasn't kidding when I said in my last post that I hadn't played with the horses since the trip. And while that's not exactly true, I mean I did play with them twice, that doesn't exactly count.

I went outside by them yesterday and was stunned into a realization that I've been peeking into for like the past few months. I'm not happy with them. I've betrayed them. I haven't been acting as a friend. I've been using them as a means to an end, exactly the opposite of what I intended upon. I expected to walk outside and cheat, that suddenly upon encountering my presence the horses would just line up like little angels and dance with me perfectly harmonious and in tune. HA!

So I have figured out that not only was I a LITTLE far fetched, I was using Moose as a favorite old teddy bear. You cry on it, it sits there. You're angry, you throw it, but yet you still expect it to love you. And it does, it's a faithful little thing, but it still never gives you anything of itself, because it's more present than you. A total run-on, I understand, but I was cheating them. Both Bella and Moose. I was waving my hand to god, being the little stuck up teacher's pet who says "Hey, well I played with my horses every day for an hour. Can I have an A now?" And then turns around talking to her other classmates and says "How long have YOU played with your horses?" with a toss of her hair and a very high and mighty attitude.

Ok, so that's not exactly me.

But that's about how I came across. I, said "hey, I'm doing the work" and then complained when nothing happened. Well, duh! I was putting in the hours, but the wrong hours. I wasn't learning anything from them. I refused to look myself in the mirror, which is the first thing that had to change. So all that time I put in last year didn't even matter, no wait that's a lie. It's not that it didn't matter, because it did, it pushed me towards the breaking point every day I played. It's just that I could've advanced the same with played monthly as I did daily.

I was lying. And that's what my dilemma was: I was lying to myself, so I was lying to the horses. They tried to show me and I wouldn't listen. And now I have an insane feeling that they've been yelling at me this whole time "hey we need a little help over here!" I think they've been waiting for me to break through, to stand out there and say "This is who I am!" That's why they kept prodding me, they'd comfort me when needed, but they never allowed me to really connect with them because I wasn't connected with myself.

Do you kind of see what I mean? I don't know how to come right out and say this, it's all interconnected. I just have a feeling once I say hey, we can finally start this again.

But I HAVE to have changed from the back-stabbing person I was before to now an understanding friend. I'm not sure if I have or not, but I have this realization at the forefront of my brain now, so at least there's hope for our relationship now if nothing more. I think I'm going to go start over with him tonight. Tell him who I am. Be friends. And then maybe we can set our sights on riding bridleless off into the sunset.

But I'm getting ahead of myself now, aren't I? ;)